Confronting Straight Privilege

I’ve thought a lot about the power that the straight majority holds in the conversations at the intersection of faith and sexuality. I remember back in my Exodus days hearing a term like heterosexism and the attitude that it was a more insidious term of the gay agenda than even homophobia (which was assumed to be a manipulative term to make straight people feel guilty and to garner sympathy for LGBT folks). The assumption that the term was simply part of the grand plot to seduce society into teaching the moral equivalence of heterosexuality and homosexuality was part of every conversation I heard among evangelical Christians who discussed heterosexism. It was a word assumed to be politically coercive and of no merit worth considering outside of that realm.

However, even if your convictions are that same-sex attraction is a result of the fall into sin and that humans should refrain from any same-sex sexual behavior, it is actually a biblical call to consider the ramification of majority straight privilege on how we engage and relate to LGBT friends and neighbours. You see Jesus consistently questions and deconstructs social status and privilege. Not only that, he profoundly models what it means to willingly strip oneself of such privilege.

And with his example in mind, we are called to understand what it means to live as incarnational people. In Philippians 2 we encounter the well-known incarnational passage from which we base the theological concept of kenosis. Kenosis is in its essence, self-emptying, such that we are filled with the fullness of God, useful to God, able to relate to others as God would relate to them. Paul, speaks of Jesus as the perfect and complete model of kenosis. And he tells us that we should imitate Christ in our relationships with one another:

“Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!”

In the NIV version, the text says that “he made himself nothing”. In the KJV, it says, “he made himself of no reputation”. In the Message, “he didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status”. And in the NLT, “he gave up his divine privileges”.

It seems to me that this text speaks poignantly to the reality of the heterosexual privilege that pervades many of the discussions in the church around homosexuality. This is something that most straight Christians never give much thought to. But when I speak to gay Christians, they are keenly aware of the ways that privilege and status color the conversations they seek to have within the church.

A common check-list for heterosexual privilege found on the internet goes something like this: On an ongoing basis as a straight person …..
• I can be pretty sure that the people I encounter will be comfortable with my sexual orientation
• If I pick up a magazine, watch TV, or play music, I can be certain my sexual orientation will be represented.
• When I talk about my heterosexuality, such as in a joke or talking about my relationship, I will not be accused of pushing my sexual orientation onto others.
• I do not have to fear that if my family or friends find out about my sexual orientation there will be economic, emotional, physical or psychological consequences.
• I did not grow up with games that attack my sexual orientation (eg. fag tag or smear the queer)
• I am not accused of being abused, warped or psychologically confused because of my sexual orientation.
• I can go home from most meetings, classes and conversations without feeling excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped or feared because of my sexual orientation.
• I won’t be asked to speak for everyone who is heterosexual.
• People won’t ask why I made my choice of sexual orientation.
• People won’t ask why I made my choice to be public about my sexual orientation.
• I won’t have to fear revealing my sexual orientation to friends or family. It’s assumed.
• People won’t try to convince me to change my sexual orientation.
• I won’t have to defend my heterosexuality.
• I can easily find a faith community that will not exclude me for being a heterosexual in a relationship.
• I won’t need to worry that people will harass me because of my sexual orientation.
• I won’t need to qualify my straight identity.
• My masculinity or femininity won’t be challenged because of my sexual orientation.
• I won’t be primarily or solely identified by my sexual orientation.
• If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it has sexual orientation overtones.
• I am guaranteed to find people of my sexual orientation represented in my workplace.
• I can walk in public with my significant other and not have people do a double-take or stare.
• I can remain oblivious of the language and culture of sexual minority persons without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.
• I can go for months without being called straight.
• People do not assume I am experienced in sex (or that I even have it) merely because of my sexual orientation.
• Nobody calls me straight with maliciousness.
• People can use terms that describe my sexual orientation and mean positive things (eg. straight as an arrow, standing up straight, or straightened out) instead of demeaning terms (eg.ewww that’s gay, or stop being so queer)
• I am not asked to think about why I am straight.
• I can be open about my sexual orientation and not worry about my job, access to housing, treatment at a bed & breakfast, or response in health crises.

While this list may seem long and repetitive, I’ve actually pared down the original list. Some people when reading it may feel twinges of defensiveness rise up. Perhaps many straight people have never really thought too much about the status, privilege and reputation that they enjoy simply because of being in the sexual majority. However, when we consider the call to imitate Jesus in our relationships with other people, we find the model of someone who intentionally stripped himself of status, reputation and privilege. That means, those in the majority choose to step outside of the benefits afforded by that majority status.

Jenell Williams Paris, in her book, “The End of Sexual Identity” says, “In each class I teach related to sexuality, I “come out” as no longer heterosexual. On the one hand, this is inane. I’m happily married to a man, and I’m a mother, an evangelical and Christian college professor, all of which mark me as a heterosexual. I reap the social benefits of being perceived as heterosexual in society and in Christian settings. But, as I tell students in class, I don’t want to be heterosexual. I don’t want to get life, secure my moral standing or gird my marriage with a social identity that privileges some and maligns others on the basis of inner desires and feelings. Heterosexuality is a concept riddled with problems. I’d even call it an abomination.” Paris taps into something extremely important if straight Christians hope to live as incarnational friends with their LGBT neighbors – both in and out of the church. We need to be willing to lay down benefits that we did nothing to receive in order to “move into their neighborhood” so-to-speak, and identify with the reality that gay friends experience on a daily basis. It means choosing to relinquish majority status, choosing to be willing to be misunderstood, choosing to identify with those who seem ‘other’. It means choosing to not take offense when your actions are misunderstood by others or when the demand is made to stop rocking the boat. Clearly, all of this comes at a cost. None of this is easy to do consistently. And when the push-back comes or the hurt comes or the betrayal comes, as it inevitably will, we need to be willing to seek God’s grace and strength to persevere in living in the way of Jesus. Even Jesus, himself, wept in the garden and asked that the cup would be taken away from him. But he concluded that he would choose God’s way over his own way.

Living as incarnational people among our neighbors, including those who are very different than we are and those on the margins, embodies a sense of mutuality. Incarnational people don’t “help” others – they identify with them. Incarnational people don’t consider what others deserve – they extend dignity and respect to them simply on the basis of our shared image-bearing of God. Incarnational people remember the words of Desmond Tutu, “If I diminish you …. I diminish myself.” And so they live in a manner that is relationally present and open to all they come in contact with.

Miroslav Volf, in his book, “Exclusion and Embrace: a theological exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation” asks, "Why should I embrace the other?" and his answer is "the others are part of my own true identity. I cannot live authentically without welcoming the others - the other gender, other person or other cultures - into the very structure of my being. For I am created to reflect the personality of the triune God. The one divine person is not that person only, but includes the other divine persons in itself; it is what it is only through the indwelling of the other. The Son is the Son because the Father and the Spirit indwell him; without this interiority of the Father and the Spirit there would be no son. Every divine person is the other persons, but he is the other person in his own particular way. Analogously, the same is true of human persons created in the image of God. Their identity as persons is conditioned by the identity of other persons in their social relations." Here we see that when we fail to live incarnationally, to strip ourselves of majority privilege, it will diminish our own sense of identity, our own humanity. This deep awareness of our interconnectedness is the truth that can set us free from social constructions of orientation that elevate some and marginalize others.

Paul, well aware of the cost of living as incarnational people, makes special mention of some intrinsically motivating realities to spur us on in persevering and being resilient in our commitments to step outside of majority privilege. He begins the kenosis passage by saying, “if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” He reminds us that we are united with Christ in this endeavor. Every resource that is his is at our disposal in our commitment to live as he did. Not only that, but we have comfort from his love. Nothing can separate us from his love. No matter how many times our best intentions fall by the wayside or we slide back into old patterns, his love is our secure resting place. And not only that, but we share in the mighty working of the Spirit within us. We cannot do this in our own strength and desire. We fail to live out our ideals. We fear the loss of our own status and reputation. We dread the hurt and pain of being cast to the side. But the Spirit is with us, helping us, restoring us, reminding us that we are the Beloved of God. And in these firm foundational promises, we reconnect to our own hearts. We reconnect to our own compassion and tenderness. In our heart, we find that longing for our fellow human beings to find equal space to flourish as children of God. And finally, Paul says, remember to not try to do this as a lone ranger. Do it together. Live this way of erasing false levels of privilege together. Female, male, poor, rich, black, white, gay, straight, transgender, cisgender. Be like-minded, with love for all, united in mind and heart to live this subversive way in a status-driven world.

But these words about the false power of straight privilege are not only directed at the heterosexual majority. There is an important word here for our Christian LGBT friends. It is my conviction, after ten years of observation, that in the evangelical church same-sex attracted folks have granted way too much power to the straight majority in the church. This deference, generally speaking, seems to arise from deposits of shame and fear that were planted so deep as they grew up in these contexts. In some cases this might be considered to be internalized homophobia. In other cases it is simply a passive capitulation to the assumptions of the majority. But, we all need to remember that straight people have no idea what it is like to be gay. As much as they might be kind-hearted and seeking to identify with – at the end of the day, they can never crawl inside the skin of a gay person and have intimate knowledge of the multi-faceted experience of being gay. For the last ten years, I have tried to listen to every sermon, book, song, speech etc. and ask myself how my gay friends might hear this. This diligent assignment has taught me a lot – but I still don’t intimately know what it is like to be gay. So it is important that same-sex attracted people, in a spirit of humility and love (not arrogance or stubbornness) stand their ground and not allow straight people to define their experience for them. Straight people can work at their theology and come to a very clear set of convictions. But they will never know the inside of a gay person’s heart –and they can never have perfect judgment on where that person is with God. Gay people who are created in the image of God ought to not allow themselves to be treated like second-class citizens in the church. God doesn’t have step-children – he only has children.

In the ex-gay paradigm, it was not uncommon to find a strong capitulation to stereotypes of masculinity and femininity that were more cultural than truly biblical. This is part of allowing the straight majority to set expectations that had more to do with people’s comfort levels and internal anxiety than with truly calling people into a life-giving relationship with Jesus Christ. In a recent post, John Smid, former leader of the oldest ex-gay ministry Love in Action said, “I had not considered the rules and structure of the program that held people to gender stereotypes. Women were led to purses and dresses in their specialized counseling agendas, men were taught masculine experiences like sports and held to short hair cuts and no facial hair as part of their programs…. I believe we were unable to see the harm when it occurred because underneath there was a cultural stereotype that we hoped would be achieved. It was an underlying goal to neutralize and to move towards a subjection to conservative living in the eyes of the Christian culture.”

For straight people in the church to address the unbiblical and unhelpful aspects of majority privilege, they will need the help of sexual minorities to do so. That means that those who do not fit the heterosexual mainstream will need to honestly and humble speak up about their experiences. I realize this is not always easy – and in some situations down-right unsafe. But where possible, sexual minorities need to share their experiences as human being who experience sexuality differently than the majority – and in so doing normalize the reality that in the human experience of sexuality there is a majority and minority experience – and the minority is no less in God’s eyes than the majority. Having this courage – not in a demanding or prideful way – but in a quiet, peaceful confidence, will help the majority to realize that the privilege they unconsciously exploit is simply inconsistent with God’s call to unity in our diversity, to love one another, and to travel as mutual pilgrims in the pursuit of faith.

The truth is we will all benefit when false power through socialized privilege is rooted out of our experience in being community together. We will smell more like Jesus. We will be better postured to reach out to those who are different than we are. We will grow in mutuality and serving in a spirit of reciprocity. And we will be more effective in representing the true Kingdom of God where the most unlikely partners (lions and lambs, wolves and goats) find reconciliation and equity.

Let's Keep Telling Our Stories

I received a couple of emails yesterday that reinforce to me why the conversation around reorientation continues to be needed – even if only to once and for all “pull the barn down”. I don’t think these emails were in response to my recent blogs – they seem to have just come from people who looked at the New Direction website.

In the first, an individual says,

“I have done Living Waters 15 week program, I have had deliverance ministry, I have been prayed for and over, I have done courses and read homosexual books & case studies and after all this what does my journey look like now? All I know is that I love the Lord, He is blessing my diligence in many respects, I have learned not to think so much about my feelings or attractions even though I know suppressing is not the answer. All I know is that I am trusting the Lord with my future and my feelings and hoping for COMPLETE change. Calling those things that be not as though they were....I am straight.”

It is so important that we honour one another’s truest convictions that have emerged from scriptural and prayerful engagement and that are energized by love and grace rather than fear or shame. So if someone is deeply convicted that they are not to be involved with anything same-sex related, I honour those convictions.

I also believe that people need to own their own journey. So my posture in ministry is non-directive but rather I come alongside people to listen to God together. Sometimes that means people make choices that are very different than the ones I would make. Sometimes that means people have a mindset that I might feel is unhelpful. If I have a relationship with that person and have established trust and rapport, I will share my concerns – but at the end of the day, it is always their decision. Sometimes this means a lot of tension or sadness for me when I see people making choices that I feel may be hurtful to them.

But in my writings here on the blog and my speaking engagements, I try to raise awareness and help to educate those in the Christian community who might benefit from hearing about the accumulated wisdom of so many people’s stories and journeys. In particular, I believe the stories of ex-gay survivors are important to pay attention to. The significance of these stories, from my perspective, is not about arguing whether same-sex relationships are or are not consistent with the biblical witness. Rather the power of these stories is the impact on people’s spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical health of the paradigm that insists on living in the pursuit of heterosexuality. I believe, of course, that God can do anything. But that doesn’t mean He does do everything we think He ought to do. And if I had a dollar for every person who has told me that they prayed every day for God to take away their experience of same-sex attraction – and he did not do that in their life ….. I would be in good shape to pay for the bathroom renovations that are underway in my home.

In the second email, an individual wrote to say,

“You all need to repent and start walking the narrow road that leads to life! Wide is the gate that leads to destruction and many will find it. I don't care if every study on earth suggests that homosexuality isn't curable, God's word says it's a sin, and all sin is curable by repenting and trusting in Jesus Christ! Each one of us must pick up our cross and deny ourselves, and face temptation with those areas of our sin nature, but we must never relent to the sin and say it isn't sinful against God.
The true Church will always love sinners, because the true Church is made up of sinners, redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ! To love sinners is to warn them of the second death and tell them where life can be found! Tell the thirsty where water that quenches every sinful thirst can be drawn!
Your apostasy will be answerable to God!”

I can only imagine that this brother believes he is doing his duty to try to snatch me from the fire as the apostle James suggests. But what seems clear is that he hasn’t done much homework to better understand the realities of experiencing same-sex attraction.

It can be challenging to uphold the value of unity when it means I need to extend love and grace to someone who thinks I’m apostate. But that is why the postures of generous spaciousness are so important.

The posture of humility ~ I could be wrong because I recognize that I do not have a perfect pipeline to God and therefore am not a perfect interpreter of scripture.

The posture of hospitality ~ All are welcome unconditionally to conversation, friendship and community in the trust that in such environments people will have every opportunity to encounter the love of Christ.

The posture of grace ~ Each human being is deeply loved by God and at the same time deeply needs God’s grace. We can prayerfully entrust one another to God’s care in the confidence that he is more than able to lead each one where they need to be.

I know that there will always be people who misunderstand the ministry and postures of New Direction. I know there will always be people who believe they have to try to be straight to please God. But at the same time, we will seek to be faithful to the calling God has given us – to extend love, grace and hospitality in a humble and generous spirit. And it is our prayer that our diligence in sharing the stories of those who have walked this journey will bring hope and encouragement to others. That we will be used to bring much needed awareness and education to the Christian community. And that in the midst of this mess that we, as human beings, have made of the church …. that somehow those who need to glimpse Jesus as he really is will see him in us.

To Come Out or to Not Come Out .... that is the question

It has often been my contention that there are things that I, as a mainly straight person, can say in this conversation that would be difficult for my LGBT brothers and sisters to say. And there are things that they can say that I have no business saying. When we stand side-by-side in solidarity and speak with one voice, our unity has the most potential for impact.

This particular question, “To come out or not to come out” seems to be on the border. There are some things I can perhaps contribute to this part of the conversation, but I am also keenly aware that I need to be careful to not say more than I should. I don’t know what it is like to come out and honestly share about the reality of experiencing same-sex attraction. But I have talked with hundreds of folks about their experience with deciding to come out and then actually doing it. And I’ve heard enough stories to know that there are many different experiences as people navigate these questions. So I hope that sharing some of my thoughts will be helpful – and I do so with this request: please add your insights and experiences to the conversation. This post is only meant to be a catalyst to interacting with this decision-making process. The more you contribute – the richer the conversation will be and the more we will all be able to learn from one another.

As a Canadian child growing up in a fairly sheltered Christian community, I had no idea who Harvey Milk was. I’d never heard his speech encouraging all gay people to come out as a way of once and for all destroying the assumptions, stereotypes, and inuendos about gay people. And when I first worked for New Direction, the idea of coming out was clouded over by the paradigm that suggested that if a person acknowledged their same-sex attraction it gave that reality extra power in your life. This would be similar to those Christians discouraging anyone to say they are an alcoholic lest that be an open door to draw you into further bondage to alcohol. Such a view elevates the power of our words and calls us to high levels of vigilance and avoidance.

But as I have continued to listen to and interact with people for whom their same-sex orientation is an enduring reality, I have observed the power in honest acknowledgement and self-acceptance. Even though different individuals held different beliefs and values about how they ought to steward their experience of same-sex attraction, in all of these different scenarios it seemed that people were much better positioned to live in alignment with their beliefs and values when they had safe environments in which to honestly share the impact of their same-sex attraction on their daily life.

Additionally, when I looked at the kinds of unhelpful assumptions being made in the Christian community about the reality of LGBT people, I found a synergy with the strategies of gay advocacy groups seeking to end discrimination: if people actually get to know real people rather than relying on their theoretical ideas based on caricatures or stereotypes, their prejudices will diminish and they will recognize that same-sex oriented people have just as much capacity as anyone else to be a good neighbor, citizen and friend. This is what the church needed! They needed to realize that in many, if not most, congregations there were wonderful people experiencing this reality and at the same time were committed to faith in Jesus Christ. But the more hidden and isolated they were, the more they would struggle with issues of trust, self-acceptance, connection and authentic self-expression.

So through the years, I often found myself wishing that the folks who came to talk to me would have the courage to come out in their church environments. In the most idealistic sense, I felt this would be better for them and for their church to move forward. But….. no one lives in a perfect ideal world. And I knew that the fear of rejection was a very real and challenging barrier to these individuals coming out. And so it seemed to be a catch-22. People in the church wouldn’t learn to relate to sexual minority persons better until they had the opportunity to engage in the lives of real people and build relationships. Sexual minority people didn’t feel safe coming out in the church until church members had a track record of positive relating with gay people.

The coming out issue was also complicated by questions and assumptions about whether or not same-sex attraction could change, be healed, transformed or altered. That’s why I think we need to pull the barn down on the idea of reorientation and nurture an environment that holds in tension the reality that people who experience predominant same-sex attraction will likely continue to experience same-sex attraction the rest of their life while at the same time, there may be some fluidity or bi-sexual functioning that may emerge.

So, it’s the year 2012. The tide is turning and most people realize that some magical gay-to-straight formula doesn’t exist. So, should people who experience same-sex attraction come out or not?

It may be helpful to simply understand what coming out is and what it isn’t. At the most fundamental level, coming out begins with a self-acknowledgment that these attractions are part of your reality – they aren’t a phase, they aren’t just confusion, they are what they are. To get to this point, a person needs to have given themselves some time to understand their internal experiences and make sense of what they seem to be feeling in various contexts as they evaluate their draw to their own or opposite gender. I often encourage people to not try to rush to a resolution on this question. Even though we don’t like the tension of uncertainty, sometimes the best thing we can do is simply give ourselves the space to make sense of all the complex thoughts and feelings we experience. But there will come a time when things seem consistent over time and you know in your gut that this is a facet of how you relate to the world of people and relationships – that you feel you would be most completed by someone of your own gender. Acknowledging this to yourself doesn’t lock you in to any particular perspective or future decision about how you plan on living your life. It simply accepts that this is something about yourself that you will need to navigate and steward. It can be helpful at this point, for people of faith, to remember that there isn’t anything about you that God doesn’t already know. God’s love for you is unconditional. Accepting that this is part of your reality allows you to talk with God honestly and openly about this. From my perspective, even if there should be any future shifts in the direction or intensity of your attractions, it will always be important to be honest and accepting of yourself – even as you make determinations about choices and behaviours that will be in line with your beliefs and values.

The second part of coming out is the public part. And even here, it isn’t an all-or-nothing proposition. Most people begin with choosing a very trusted confidante to come out to. This is a person who knows how to listen well, who is non-judgmental and won’t leap to conclusions, someone who respects confidentiality and will honour your privacy, someone who will love and care for you unconditionally. Once you’ve had some positive experiences sharing with some individuals like this, then you can think about widening the circle a bit if you think that would be helpful to you and supportive of you in your ongoing journey to know yourself and live in alignment with your beliefs and values.

Sometimes telling the people closest to you is the hardest. It can feel like you have the most to lose in these relationships if people do not respond well. Depending on your age and stage of life, such persons could be your parents, your spouse, or your siblings. It may be helpful to think through your reasons for telling them and your goals for the outcome of your disclosure – and then communicating that clearly with them. For example, you might say, “I want to tell you this because I feel like I can’t be as open and as honest in our relationship as I would like to be.” “I want to tell you this because I want there to be a high level of trust and transparency in our relationship.” “I want to tell you this because I want you to know me – and as long as I am not honest about this I will always feel like there is a part of me you don’t know.” Some examples of goals for the outcome of your disclosure: “I want you to understand what my beliefs and values are and my intentions to live a life that is congruent. We might not completely agree on these, but I hope that you will respect the thought, care, prayer etc. that I have put into this.” “I want to work on a more open and trusting relationship with you and this disclosure is the beginning of that.” “I want to feel safe when I come home and know that I’m not going to hear gay jokes or derogatory statements about LGBT people.” “I want to be able to open dialogue about these matters so that we can come to a better understanding of what we each believe, why we believe that, and how we are going to relate to one another despite some disagreements we may have.” As these examples illustrate, coming out demonstrates an investment in the relationship. You come out because you want to move forward in relationship. This may be very important to communicate.

Coming out always comes with the risk that the individual may not react well. Sometimes, it can be helpful to say, “I’ve been thinking about these things for a long time – and I know you’re just starting to process what I’ve told you. I want to give you the time and space you need to think through what I’ve told you.” You may additionally let them know of some good resources that they can access – but leave it up to them if they take advantage of them or not. Sometimes this can become the white elephant in the room, and people don’t bring up the subject for a long time. This can leave you feeling unsure in the relationship. It may be helpful to see if you can commit to a time in a few weeks to return to this conversation with any questions they may have that you can help bring clarity to.

When you disclose your experience of same-sex attraction, it may be very helpful to articulate clearly so that you can prevent assumptions from the beginning. You may choose to disclose in stages if you are involved in a same-sex relationship. You might want to begin by telling them about your same-sex attraction – and give them some time to digest that before asking if they would like to meet your partner. If they ask you directly don’t lie. Tell them the truth. But also encourage them to recognize that this conversation is really a journey and you don’t need to cover everything right then.

Be as clear as you can be about where your current thinking is at concerning beliefs and values. Your clear answer might be that you just don’t know right now where you are going to land. That’s ok. Just be as clear as you can be.

It may be helpful, if your loved ones have a bit of a tendency to try to be “fixers”, to be really clear about what would be helpful for you. Some examples might be: “It would be really helpful for me if you would just listen to my story.” “It would be really helpful for me if you would read this book.” “It would be really helpful for me if we could watch this DVD together and then discuss it.” “It would be really helpful for me if you would ask me questions rather than give me advice.”

There may be some helpful qualifiers to communicate as well. You will want to communicate the language you are using to describe your experience. If you want to use the word gay, then ensure that there is a clear understanding of what you mean when you use it. If you do not want to use the word gay to describe you, you may want to explain why. You may want to say something about your primary sense of who you are, your identity. If faith is a priority for you, then it may be helpful to clearly say that your primary identity is that of a Christian. Or you may simply say that while you feel that it is important to be honest about your sexuality, you are much more than your sexuality and that you do not intend for your sexuality to define you. You may even need to differentiate between attraction and behavior for some folks you disclose to.

You may offer, particularly with parents, to do some mutual negotiation about who to disclose to in the extended family. For example, you may come to a consensus that telling your very conservative 87 year old grandfather isn’t likely to be very helpful for anyone. It may be important that you express your willingness to listen to their concerns and reservations about the extended family.

People often talk to me about whether they should come out to close loved ones in person or through a well-crafted letter. There are pro’s and con’s to each option. If you are very worried about not being able to be calm and clear, you may feel like writing a letter allows you to choose your words really carefully and to say exactly what you want to say. Sometimes I suggest that people craft such a letter – but then actually read it in person to the one they are disclosing to. You can simply explain that you wanted to express yourself carefully and for your nerves to not get the best of you. If you do write a letter, and can’t deliver it in person, then I do suggest that you give a follow up phone call after they receive the letter. Even if it is a brief conversation to just affirm your care for them and your hopes for open communication and loving relationship in the future, this personal contact may be very important.

A few final thoughts before I open it up to your contributions and insights. When you are disclosing it is important to do so from a place of inner self-acceptance and strength. Regardless of how the other person responds, you need to know that you are ok, loved by God, and accepted. As much as possible try to ensure that you do not go into a disclosure conversation looking for approval. Rather, you are disclosing because you care about yourself and the other person – and you want to have a relationship built on trust, honesty and integrity.

When disclosing, try to be as gentle and gracious as possible. Resist the urge to get defensive or confrontational regardless of how they respond. Again, find that core of inner strength that is built on God’s love for you.

Prayerfully prepare and prayerfully enter the conversation. You may consider asking others to pray for you – even if they don’t know all the specific details.

After you have disclosed you may feel vulnerable and alone – even if the conversation went well. Ensure that you have some thought-through supports in place to help you process.

Remember, no one can define your life for you. You need to wrestle with God and with yourself to make sense of your internal world, to shape your beliefs and values, and to make the choices that will help you to navigate your life as the person you want to be. At the same time, we are called into relationships, to risk, to welcome others’ input, to be accountable, encouraged, corrected or supported by others. Live in the tension between these two things and you will be best positioned to experience freedom and growth.

Reorientation: Time to Pull that Barn Down

Driving home today I saw a barn in ruins. I didn’t have my camera with me, but it looked a lot like this photo I found. What struck me about the image of this barn was that the roof seemed to be strong and intact – continuing to fulfill its protective role. But underneath the shelter of the roof, the barn itself was in disarray. It seemed to me a good metaphor for the current state of reorientation ideology.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the system that upholds a focus and expectation that those who experience predominant same-sex attraction can and should pursue a shift towards opposite sex attraction. The system’s protective mechanism connects reorientation to other more politically inclined measures. Such a line of thought might go something like this: “If same-sex attracted people can change their attractions through prayer, support groups, accountability, therapeutic intervention, and strong motivation, then the idea of fair and equitable treatment for gay people is an unnecessary capitulation to a group of unmotivated, ungodly, selfish people who don’t care about normative sexuality and its connection to the strength of marriage and child-rearing.” Such reasoning has caused Christians, including Christians who had pursued such a process of change yet continued to experience same-sex attraction, to raise their voices in opposition to anti-discrimination legislation, anti-bullying measures, equal benefits initiatives, and civil gay marriage. Many did so believing they were upholding godly standards and that there was “no such thing as a homosexual person .... only heterosexual people with a homosexual problem.” They believed the theories of straight therapists who really have no idea what it is like to be same-sex oriented and the testimonies of those who claimed to have met the expectations of reorientation.

But what if these straight therapists have lost their objectivity? What if their reputations and careers have been built on being pioneers and leaders in this area of therapeutic intervention? What if they fail to see the invitational circle that so amplifies their clients’ desires to be straight that they self-report success that is then interpreted as absolute?

And what if the vast majority of those experiencing same-sex attraction and motivated by religious conviction are too frightened, ashamed, disappointed or disconnected to be able to honestly and authentically report the complex nature of their sexuality, attractions, convictions, commitments and self-expression? What if language meant one thing to one person and something different to another person – and assumptions about complete victory, freedom, transformation, and change were assumed but not intended?

In the last number of years we have seen an increase in articulating a more honest and clear self-assessment regarding this idea of reorientation. When I first came to New Direction, David, the support group leader for the ministry, told me in no uncertain terms that he was still only attracted to men. And while David’s no-nonsense commitment to honesty was shared by a few others who were single like him, it did not seem to be the norm in ex-gay circles and particularly among those who were married. As the years went on and I became a familiar figure in this world, I began to hear more nuanced stories behind closed doors. The need for honest self-disclosure was real and did happen with trusted colleagues. But then Alan Chambers and other Exodus leaders began to publicly acknowledge that same-sex attraction was still part of their experience – one that they daily chose to submit and surrender in light of their commitment to Christ and their spouse. This took a tremendous amount of courage – and it wasn’t always well received by those who had a lot vested in this reorientation system. But with these courageous admissions the system that had become more politicized than perhaps any of the ex-gay leaders ever intended, began to crumble.

Along a trajectory of public statements, Alan Chambers recently indicated on the GCN panel that 99.9% of folks do not experience a full and complete change in their sexual orientation. I’m sure Alan would want to nuance that by stating that some individuals do experience various shifts in their attractions, that there are seasons of diminished or heightened attractions, and that there is the reality of fluidity particularly for women. These are complex matters after all and binary black and white categories aren’t very useful for the vast majority of us. But this kind of nuanced, mysterious and unpredictable experience of attempting to manage ones’ sexuality is a far cry from the clear-cut claims of reorientation.

Just today, I received a book in the mail called, “Why I Slept with my Therapist: How One Gay Man Tried to Go Straight” by Brian Kraemer. I didn’t read the whole book yet – but read some key sections and skimmed the rest. It is one of the many accounts I have heard of the extreme measures individuals have pursued in the hopes of eradicating their same-sex attractions. Anyone who suggests that such folks didn’t try hard enough has clearly never really listened to these accounts.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us with a barn barely standing except for the roof ~ a roof of political power, straight privilege, anxious legalism, shame-based religion, and sacred cows.

My dad used to have a barn like that on his property. For a few years it just stood there, an empty relic of a time gone by. But at some point, this skeleton holding up a roof was too much of a hazard and my dad, along with the friends he recruited to help, took the time and energy to pull that barn down.

The time has come. This generation of young people knows it and many refuse to go anywhere near this unstable mess. Its time those who have propped up reputations and a spirit of entitlement move aside so that the barn can come down – so that those who might yet be trapped inside the web of expectation, shame and denial might emerge into the light.

The reality of being same-sex attracted is what it is. If this is your experience, it will not be in the best interest of your spiritual, emotional or relational health to try to hide it or convince yourself that it has changed if it has not. You still have choices and decisions in front of you. You can still choose how you want to describe this reality in your life and with whom you want to share it. You can still choose the beliefs and values that are important to you. You can still choose to live in alignment with these beliefs and values. If that means you remain faithful to your opposite gender spouse – that’s wonderful. If that means you live a celibate life – may it be life-giving for you. If that means you open your heart and mind to things you never allowed yourself to consider – may you receive generous wisdom and discernment in the journey.

But run out of this barn before it crashes around you. I’ve seen too many lives sucked into hopelessness, depression, and suicidal ideation all to prop up a power-play roof that cares very little about your personal life and health.

God loves you. Your experience of same-sex attraction doesn’t change that one little bit. He knows your heart. He sees you. And he invites you into his rest.

My friend David Hayward @nakedpastor posted this cartoon today:

Generous Spaciousness: Grace for Everything?

It is understandable that the descriptive term generous spaciousness creates some inherent challenges. Some people resonate with it and seem to have a gut sense of what it is all about. For others, it is a term that fails to bring clarity to an already complex conversation. Part of the thinking behind coining such a description is that it necessitates further discussion. It is a description that invites further development and evolution and definition. I think this is helpful in our current discussions around the kind of climate we want to nurture in the Christian community in our interactions with those of us who experience sexual or gender identity differently than the majority of people do.

And that raises the first point about generous spaciousness: It is intended to describe the environment, climate, ethos within expressions of the Christian community as it pertains to engaging with gender and sexual minority persons. It is not a theological position statement. It is not about doctrinal boundaries. It is not about promoting particular positions.

We believe that such an environment is best nurtured from a series of postures:

• The posture of hospitality: all are unconditionally welcomed and invited into relationship

• The posture of humility: we all hold our own convictions deeply with the keen awareness that, “I could be wrong” given the reality that none of us has a perfect pipeline to God and all of us see through a glass dimly

• The posture of grace: I seek to have eyes to see the good fruit in another person’s life – particularly those with whom I may have particular disagreements; I expect the best, not the worst, of those I am in community with; I recognize that there will be times I am misunderstood and I determine to not get defensive or combative about it; I will do my best to not take offense and respond in the manner of Christ

The second major focus of generous spaciousness is that it prioritizes spiritual exploration and growth. Clearly the stewardship of our sexuality and the moral decision-making we are all called to is an integral part of our spiritual growth. However, for many sexual and gender minority persons such matters have been elevated to the primary and sometimes sole priority by those in the Christian community around them. In my experience, this perpetuates the very thing most Christians agree on, that people should not be defined by nor reduced to the realities of their sexuality. In light of this, generous spaciousness seeks to focus on encouraging individuals to explore and more deeply connect to the person of Jesus, to grow in wisdom and discernment, to develop mature spiritual disciplines like prayer, worship, silence etc., and to pursue a life of virtue that exemplifies the fruit of the Spirit. Regardless of where one lands on the question of appropriate choices for a life of faithful discipleship for gender and sexual minorities, this emphasis will best position someone to be open and able to respond to the leading and prompting of the Holy Spirit.

A third focus of generous spaciousness is that it is not intended to be a theoretical concept – but is intended to be an embodied and lived reality through relationships in community. This makes it a little challenging to have discussions about this concept divorced from shared life together. To simply have a discussion where one person brings in their experience and another contributes their separate and distinct experience may prove to be simply frustrating. Generous spaciousness only becomes a life-giving concept as people actually seek to embody it in their interactions with one another in real-time, face-to-face relationship. Though I think we can model aspects of generous spaciousness in online interactions, this is a limited expression of the depth of what the concept seeks to encourage.

For some, a description like generous spaciousness seems to be unhelpful because it doesn’t articulate clear boundaries. It is certainly true that generous spaciousness is not a stand-alone term. It is meant to encourage a particular environment within given groups in the Christian community.

So, in the context of a Christian family where there may be divergent views on the appropriateness of same-sex relationships, generous spaciousness might indicate a commitment to find common ground in a shared faith in Christ despite differences. It might mean that family members give each other the benefit of the doubt when sharing about their spiritual life rather than assuming that such testimony is counterfeit because of the position they hold on same-sex relationships. It might mean that there is a shared agreement to not allow debates and arguments consume family conversations. It might mean a mutual commitment to focus on encouraging each other to continue drawing near to Christ.

In a church setting, generous spaciousness might mean that within the framework of whatever clear position on same-sex relationships the church holds, there will be a sense of safety, trust, and freedom to wrestle with the variety of perspectives that exist in the Christian community on these questions. It might mean that individuals are encouraged to live in the tension between their personal autonomy to shape and own their beliefs and values and the call to live in mutual submission to one another within the context of the faith community. It might mean that space is made for someone who believes differently on the question of same-sex relationships with the understanding that the individual will not constantly seek to confront, coerce, or challenge others within the community to adopt their viewpoint. It might mean that once clear understanding has been established of the church’s position and an individual’s position, the focus prioritizes spiritual growth as described above.

In a Christian organization, generous spaciousness might mean that the idea of who can be a Christian is more than a code of moral conduct. It might mean that there is an intentional commitment to find unity in diversity with the understanding that people may form and shape their beliefs and values based on slightly different approaches to scripture – but it doesn’t mean that people can judge who cares about the scriptures and who doesn’t. In a Christian organization, generous spaciousness may mean that we recognize that sexual and gender minority persons may navigate their journey of discipleship in different ways but the priority should be to be alert to the fruit that is evident in their lives as they seek to follow Jesus.

Generous spaciousness as a descriptive concept doesn’t mean that anything goes. As we use this phrase in the context of New Direction, there are some non-negotiable matters that we believe are critical to address to be able to truly nurture environments that are generously spacious.

• Generous spaciousness is unapologetically Christ-centered. While we are humbly grateful to have the opportunity to engage those of differing or no faith, our focus on Christ as the source and energy behind our commitment to generous spaciousness is not up for debate.

• Generous spaciousness prioritizes fidelity. We believe that faithfulness is a core facet of God’s character – and we are called to model that in our lives and relationships. While we encounter and seek to be unconditionally hospitable to people who are not modeling fidelity in their expression of their sexuality, we unapologetically uphold the standard of fidelity.

• Generous spaciousness seeks to address and prevent harmful ideas and practices that have the potential to hinder or hurt a gender or sexual minority individual in their spiritual journey. We recognize that people may disagree about what is harmful – which makes this aspect of our commitment to generous spaciousness challenging. However, our priority is to ensure that gender and sexual minority persons have every opportunity and encouragement to explore and grow in their faith in Jesus Christ. We trust that the Holy Spirit can fulfill the role of bringing conviction and correction where it is needed. We may be used in that process – but leadership and control of that process is up to the Spirit of God. This means that we will seek to address issues of language, attitude, assumptions or pastoral practices that we believe are unhelpful and potentially harmful. Our determination of such issues arises out of the last ten years of ministry and listening to the stories of gender and sexual minority Christians and paying particular attention to their descriptions of harmful and painful experiences. Despite the reality that there will be disagreement about our determinations, we make no apology for doing our best to ensure that every same-sex attracted, LGBT individual has every opportunity to consider and embrace faith in Jesus Christ.

Generous spaciousness is not a perfect concept – but we do hope that it is a vehicle through which in the messy realities of real life in community we can, in the midst of our diversity, find common focus in Jesus Christ and in encouraging one another to explore and grow more deeply in our relationship with Him.