Friday Venting: Ontario Sexual Health Education

For those in the dominant majority, it can be so easy to live in a bubble of privilege. This is no less true in the particular areas of sexual orientation or gender identity. I had lunch with a Christian leader the other day. And he made the comment, that I’ve heard so many times before, wondering why people outside the heterosexual mainstream needed to define themselves by their sexuality. He said, “I don’t view my friends as my heterosexual friends – why should I view someone as my gay friend?” He did acknowledge that if someone has been marginalized or felt the need to hide an aspect of their identity, then when they come out from under that this aspect of their life takes on more weight. But I think it is more than that. Heterosexuals wear their sexuality on their sleeve every day – in ways that most straight people don’t even think about. Straight people so easily identify as husband or wife, mother or father. They never think about whether it is safe to say so. They never consider that identifying themselves in this way could cause offense or anxiety in another. They don’t think about grabbing the hand of their significant other in public. We might not walk around proclaiming our heterosexuality in those terms – but its out there on public display none-the-less. My colleague Brian often says that growing up as a gay man he needed people around him to acknowledge two sides of the same coin. On one hand, people needed to acknowledge that what he was experiencing and journeying through was unique – and that unless it was also their personal reality, they really couldn’t say that they “understood what he was going through”. But on the other hand, he needed people to recognize and affirm to him that he wasn’t so different than anyone else. There were more things he had in common with other people who weren’t gay than were differences. This paradox is important to hold in tension. For those of us who find ourselves in the majority, we need to be intentional to try to identify with the ‘other’. We need to consider what it would be like for almost every billboard and television commercial to portray a heterosexual version of life. We need to try to stand in the shoes of a same-gender attracted person hearing the angry demands that homosexuality not be seen as normal. Normal may not be a particularly helpful word in this conversation. I’ve used the word normalize in the past. That one of the things I wanted to do in the Christian community was to normalize the experience of those who were same-gender attracted. That just because it was a less common experience than opposite-gender attraction, that in-and-of-itself didn’t make it abnormal – just different. Where people can get past the fallacious notion that people choose the direction of their sexual attractions, it is then much easier to see that the experience of same-gender attraction is simply a reality for some people and not something that should be given a value judgment. I’ve been engaging in conversations around faith and sexuality for eight years. And it seems like today more people are able to understand the reality of gay people – and that while it is a reality that is less common, it is not inherently abnormal. Which is why I find it so troublesome that there has been such a backlash from Christian people to the proposed Sexual Education curriculum for public schools in the province of Ontario. The common concern that I hear from parents is that the schools want to teach their kids, from a young age, that homosexuality is normal. The assumption seems to be that if our kids learn that most of the population is heterosexual but a smaller minority of people find themselves outside that mainstream orientation, then that will necessarily teach them that they should morally approve of homosexual behaviour. When parents freak out because their kindergartner may be exposed to a book about a child having two mommies, I have to wonder what is really going on. Having two mommies is less common to be sure. And some people will have moral objections to gay sexual relationships. But do either of those two things change the reality that children in public school may have a classmate who does have two mommies? Or that in kindergarten, all children should learn to treat all people with respect regardless of the ways they might be different than themselves. One might morally disapprove of a common-law heterosexual relationship – but surely one would recognize that such moral disapproval ought not to lead to disrespectful or unkind behaviour towards those individuals or their children. And learning of the reality of different kinds of relationships and families and the need to treat one another with respect and kindness ought to be something that Christians understand and support as an outworking of the unconditional love of God for all of humanity. But of course, the sentiment is that it isn’t just basic respect and kindness that is the intention – but an indoctrinization that heterosexuality and homosexuality are morally equal. While I know that there would be Christians who disagree with me here, I would submit that the experience of opposite-gender attraction or same-gender attraction is not a moral question. If one does not volitionally choose the direction of one’s attractions – how can one be morally culpable for such an experience? And surely the Christian would not suggest that just because a person experiences a less common sexual attraction that means the person is somehow inferior or less than. Every single human being is made in the image of God and has inherent worth and dignity regardless of the direction of their sexual attractions or their sense of gender identity. “But the school isn’t teaching that homosexual behaviour is wrong.” But shouldn’t that kind of moral teaching take place within the home, as the responsibility of the parents – perhaps supported and reinforced within a particular faith community? Are you really so fearful that the school is going to have so much more influence over your children than you do? If the school does, one has to wonder if you are really fulfilling your role as a parent. “But they’re exposing children to sexually explicit concepts at unacceptably young ages.” One of the most common things I’ve heard in reaction to the proposed curriculum is that they will talk about masturbation in grade three and anal and oral sex in grade 6/7. As a parent of elementary school aged children myself, I can understand some of the hesitancy on the part of parents. I can understand wanting to protect the innocence of our children. At the same time, the reality is that one in four 8 year olds have come across sexually explicit content on the internet. The reality is that little Johnny at school is all too eager to tell all the kids in his peer group about sexual behaviours he overheard his older brother talking about. The reality is that school playgrounds are rife with mis-information, crude assumptions and innocence-stealing discussions. Our society is over-sexualized, our kids are sexualized at earlier and earlier ages – and while we might not like that very much – it is our current reality. If a parent wants to do their very best to shelter their children – that’s their choice. If they want to home-school, get rid of the television and computer in their homes and ensure their children only play with other children who are not exposed to media (who are also not exposed to other children who do have access to media), they are completely free to do so. I know parents who have taken this kind of route – and I respect their commitment and love for their children. But even then, unless you’re planning on living with the Amish I’m not sure how successful you would be in completely sheltering your children from the world around you. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think it is naïve to think you can completely prevent your children from being exposed to sexual concepts at young ages – given the society we live in. My own children have been in both Christian school and public school. Inevitably, in both situations, they heard language and definitions that I wasn’t very happy about. But I decided early on that I would be proactive. That I would be the one from whom my children received accurate, age-appropriate information about the human body and the realities of human sexuality. That these conversations would happen in the safety of our own home, with the gentleness and accuracy I could provide – where my trust relationship with my children could ensure that they could ask questions, process their reactions (including the normal fears and curiosity), and instill the kind of values that I believed were consistent with God’s intentions for our sexuality. It wasn’t easy for me necessarily. I didn’t really have a good model. I grew up in a home where sexuality wasn’t discussed openly. But I was willing to process my own discomfort, anxieties and Calvinistic guilt around the area of sexuality so that I could step up and be the parent my kids needed. “But the new curriculum introduces ‘gender identity’ to kids and that is only going to make them confused and engage in sexual experimentation.” Let me be really clear here. Learning about the reality that some people experience difference in their experience of sexual orientation or gender identity will not cause children to be gay or to become confused about their own gender. While causation in both of these arenas is complex and multi-faceted, descriptive information will not create these kinds of realities where there otherwise would not have been. Confusion is a normal part of growing up – and for the vast majority of children will be just part of the developmental process out of which they eventually emerge into the majority status of heterosexuality and gender clarity and security. Having clear information about the realities of both normal confusion and the minority of people for whom these are significant and persistent realities will equip our children to not fear confusion or difference. And for those children who do find themselves outside of the mainstream of sexual and gender identity, such information could be literally life-saving as they seek to make sense of their experiences and find people who will advocate and create safe spaces for them to understand themselves. The Christian community should not seek to prevent these individuals from having access to information that will help them understand their personal reality. Lack of information won’t change their experience – it will just make it scarier, more confusing, and more likely cause them to be lonely, misunderstood and mistreated. In a public school situation, the needs of all the students need to be considered. And the reality is that there are children whose parents aren’t particularly proactive or involved in their children’s sexual education. There are children who are ill-equipped to navigate this over-sexualized world they find themselves in. They very much need accurate information. They need the care of concerned educators to learn how to respect themselves and others in this area of sexuality. In an effort to protect our own children, might we in fact contribute to withholding the very education that other children desperately need. This article shared these insights from current sexual education practitioners:

“Children are still looking for information, they are hard-wired, I believe, to be curious about sexuality around puberty. My concern is that most of this is factual and age-appropriate knowledge — in an age where there is a deluge of sexualized content in the media to which many kids are exposed without supervision.”

“The point of education is providing information before you need it,” says Shannon Boodram, 24, and author of Laid, a collection of essays by youth about their sexual experiences. Through the book and website Boodram has heard countless stories from kids who become sexually active too early and regretted it, who got infections following unprotected sex and who didn’t believe they could turn to adults for help.”

There is much more I’d like to say, but this is getting long enough ….. As a final thought, I would submit that we should not be afraid of this new curriculum. It may force us, as parents with clear beliefs and values around the area of sexuality, to engage in proactive ways in the sexual education of our children – but I, for one, think that is a good thing. Note: If you’ve only gone on hear-say regarding these proposed curriculum changes, then I urge you to read through the actual source material. Check out this link. Given that the whole document is 200 pages – consider this link for a 3 page summary of the proposed changes.

-WG

Walking with Jesus in the midst of Uncertainty

One of the joys in my life is having the opportunity to be so relationally focused. Much of the personal engagement I’m involved in happens online …. which certainly has its limitations – but as an introvert, it actually makes it much more manageable for me to be in multiple conversations through the day without being too drained.

One of the themes that I encounter fairly consistently from gay Christians is the tension they feel as they struggle to land on a decision about whether to be open to a gay partnership or not. Since this seems to be such a common experience, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on living in the midst of these tensions with this caveat: I would be the first to express my limitation in not living in the skin of this experience. In my own personal life, I have plenty of areas of tension – where I’m seeking to live out the kinds of things I want to suggest in this post. So in that sense, it isn’t just theoretical. But, I’m not gay and I’m not wrestling with this particular decision - so I want to offer my thoughts with a lot of humility – and with the invitation for gay Christians who have walked through or are currently walking in this kind of uncertainty to share their learnings, insights and suggestions. I really hope some of you do – I think that would be invaluable for our readers – and greatly enrich whatever I have to offer.

What I often hear in the conversations I have with people struggling with uncertainty about deciding if they are open or not open to a gay relationship is a longing for resolution. It seems that this is a basic drive in the human heart – we want to arrive, we want to get there, we want the destination. Not only that, we want to understand the meaning behind the journey to get to that destination – perhaps because the journey is rife with hardship, sleepless nights, hours of prayer, mental turmoil, emotional anguish. And we want to make meaning of that – it had to be for some purpose right? It has to be useful for something … right?

What is so interesting to me is how much paradox and mystery seem to be infused through the story of God and his engagement with his people. The very things that drive humans crazy - are the very things we find in God's story over and over again. In our western expressions of Christianity - we've essentially explained all of that away .... made God oh so accessible, so containable, so controllable, so understandable. I'm afraid when we see him - he will ask us why we made so many images of him based on such limited understanding.

I think our desires for resolution and meaning are natural and understandable - but I wonder sometimes if part of following Jesus is the call to resist those things. Not that I want to make that some kind of legalistic or universal rule – or to suggest that we should never experience resolution or understand the meaning of our experiences ….. but only to suggest that we may need to submit our demand or urgency about resolution and meaning-making if we discern that God is simply asking us to trust him in the midst of some paradox and mystery.

It seems that when gay Christians are wrestling to ‘land’ on a decision, it is like they are grasping for an answer to what is a theoretical question. Now, every Christian does this – and it can be very helpful. When I made a decision at age 13 to not have sexual intercourse before I was married – I was essentially making a decision about a theoretical question. I wasn’t trying to decide in the heat of the moment whether or not to have sex – I was making a commitment that could then inform my decision making if and when I got hot and heavy with someone I was dating. Little did I realize at the naïve age of 13 how important that decision would be down the road when I found myself in vulnerable and passionate moments. So, please don’t misunderstand me when I say that I wonder if sometimes when we’re trying to land on a decision about our convictions based upon a theoretical scenario, we’re just trying to control the outcomes, ensure we don't err, build the right walls around ourselves.

It seems to me, that there is a time to make clear commitments that will serve us when we are confronted with a challenging choice ….. and ….. there may be times when we may need to rest in walking step-by-step with Jesus, growing in our capacity to trust and obey him, and discern how he leads and guides us. And I wonder if for the adult gay Christian person, they might be served by the second response as they continue to move forward in navigating their faith and sexuality.

As a naïve 13 year old and a horny 18 year old, I lacked the maturity and experience to discern and obey God’s direction in the heat of the moment. So even though my decision had more to do with fear and control than conviction and trust, it was still a decision that ended up bringing blessing into my life. But what about that 25 or 37 or 42 year old gay Christian – who isn’t trying to make a decision in the passion of the moment – but who is trying to walk out the integration of their faith and sexuality and confront the possibility of developing a same-sex relationship or not? Is landing on a decision, potentially motivated by more fear and control than conviction and trust, the only way to go?

(Note: I am speaking here about the gay Christian individual who is wrestling with uncertainty. I am not suggesting this is where every gay Christian should or needs to be. There are those who have landed, not out of fear or control, but on the basis of their deepest convictions – and they are content and living in congruence with their beliefs and values. I honour and respect that. What I am commenting on in this post is how we navigate ongoing uncertainty.)

When someone is uncertain, they may inevitably ask, “What does my experience mean?” Maybe they find themselves longing for a relationship. Maybe they aren’t longing for a relationship. Maybe they’re just dealing with a lot of sexual desire (and frustration). Maybe they’ve shut down their sense of desire. Maybe they worry they have too much desire – or not enough. And maybe they wonder if their experience will change in the future.

The frustration over trying to make meaning of it all can consume a lot of energy. But, maybe while we want "the answer" .... God is simply saying to walk with him day-by-day. Drink deeply from his well of Living Water. “Find your life in Me - and from the overflow - extend love to the people around you - without fear.”

For the person who is wrestling: Might you fall in love with someone some day? Maybe yes, maybe no. Might that be someone of the same sex? Maybe yes, maybe no. How will you respond - what decision will you make? Well, you will go to your first Love, you will wait on him, you'll invite his Holy Spirit to lead you in the way you should go, you'll be in prayer, you'll invite discernment from trusted brothers and sisters in Christ who will pray with you and discern with you .... and then follow however God leads you.

Maybe that sounds very relativistic or inconclusive. I mean, we should just know what sin is and decide not to do it - right? Well ..... is it sinful to buy a brand new car? Is it sinful to face the pain for divorce in your life? Is it sinful to walk past someone you know needs love, care and conversation? Is it sinful to want to be loved by another?

I think sometimes, we just try to control all the outcomes in our own and other's lives. We don't want to get it wrong. We don't want to disappoint God. We don't want to fail. But in all of that there is a lot of fear, control, "it's up to me" kind of stuff. I feel like I’ve learned more and more that God wants us to walk with him - day-by-day - through the experiences of our life - looking to him moment by moment for guidance and direction - where we live a life of trust and faith - in a beautifully child-like way .... that is not fearful or controlling - but trusting and dependent - because we know that each situation we are confronted with, God can be trusted to lead us. And we can let go of getting it "right" ..... we can let go of our fear of failing ..... we can live in freedom - and therefore be free to love and offer ourselves to others - not afraid of where that might take us.

This is true for anyone - married, single, gay, straight. We all have fear and control around opening ourselves up to others .... and if we do that, “what if we cross a boundary” - or “what if we find ourselves in in over our heads, or being caught up in sin” ..... And please don't mishear me - I'm not saying we should not be alert to temptation or wise about the kinds of situations we put ourselves into. Of course we need to do those things with common sense and maturity. But we don't need to be afraid to love, we don't need to be afraid to open ourselves to other people, we don't need to be afraid of what we might end up desiring. The capacity to desire is a gift from God. If along the way we find ourselves confronted with a situation that we're just not sure of - then we can wait for God to give us direction. I am more and more convinced that what is critical is that our hearts are committed to obey God’s leading - not that we have every scenario figured out ahead of time.

(Note: I can already hear the critique – “But we’re so prone to self-deception …. What we tell ourselves is God’s leading is really just our own selfish desires.” No question, we have an incredible capacity to deceive ourselves and justify going our own way. What I hope, however, is that followers of Jesus grow in the discipline of obedience – and obedience that is shaped by discernment through Scripture, prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit – not just a pre-determined set of theoretical decisions that keep our life controlled and ordered – and frankly not in much need of God, not in much need of hearing his voice and trusting his direction. When we control things ahead of time, we don’t need him – because we already have it all figured out.)

What I would want to say to a gay Christian who is wrestling with uncertainty is:
“If and when you might some day be confronted with the reality that there is a same-sex person you desire a relationship with ..... you can trust God and yourself that your deepest passion to love and serve Christ will lead you into the decision you need to make. That invites some uncertainty - but it also invites freedom. You don't need to try to avoid that - you don't need to try to prevent it ..... you can just "be" .... free to love, free to build relationships ..... free to worship with abandon, create beauty and meaning and purpose in your life. Maybe ten years from now, you will be single, never having had to face a decision about a relationship. In the meantime, those ten years will have been full of opportunity and honesty and connecting to your own core of desire (speaking here of much more than just sexual desire – but of our deepest desires for love, beauty, creativity etc.). Maybe ten years from now ..... you will have faced falling in love with a same-sex partner, wrestling with God and deeply sensing you were not to be involved in that relationship - and you obeyed - and it was painful - but you live with peace and depth and meaning. Maybe ten years from now you will have a partner ..... and you experience joy in loving your partner and in together serving God - and you will tell of an audacious faith that waited on God and felt his invitation to really believe he loved you enough for you to risk entering that relationship and to receive it as his gift. I don't know where you'll be ten years from now - and neither do you. What I do know - is that He will be there with you. He will lead you. He can be trusted. You don't need to fear. You don't need to control or get it all figured out. You can just look forward knowing you will walk each day with him, that he will lead you, and that your heart is committed to obey and trust him. That is freedom to live.”

Sometimes …. I wonder if we might be served by resisting the urge to “land” and instead to focus on walking each day with Jesus - in honesty and trust. Along the way, God may very well solidify your convictions – which is great. But either way, I think if we stay close to Jesus step-by-step, we will have every opportunity to live a life that pleases him!

-WG

Review: Friendship at the Margins

Last week I finished the excellent new release by Chris Heuertz and Christine Pohl, “Friendship at the Margins: Discovering Mutuality in Service and Mission”. On the front cover is an image entitled, “Jesus Eats With Friends”. It’s an image in which I found myself caught up in the circle of relationship. Reading this book brought me into that same space – one of inclusion and welcome, of friendship and being known. I felt as though Heuertz and Pohl had been secretly recording my thoughts in this crazy journey I’ve been traveling with New Direction. And it was so profoundly comforting and affirming to experience that this pair of theologian(s) and practitioner(s) had found language and image and story to portray the learnings and promptings and expressions of mission that I had felt increasingly drawn to. In fact, my recent post, “the Witness of Hospitality” was in large part inspired by reading the book (and for those of you who complained a wee bit about the length of it – you can find a podcast of this same post here). “Friendship at the Margins” is part of the Resources for Reconciliation Book Series. This series is intended to address the tangible pursuit of hope in the midst of brokenness with the mission of “equipping and stimulating God’s people to be more faithful ambassadors of reconciliation in a fractured world.” In FATM, this reconciliation finds its centre in the midst of friendship – and friendships in some very hard places. The stories shared of friendship across ethnic, religious, economic and moral divides is exquisite – both beautiful and overwhelming. Particularly in the work of the mission, “Word Made Flesh”, of which Heuertz is the international director, we see this embodiment of mission and ministry with the experience of community as central. “We were looking for a model that connected mission to everyday life and that located mission and ministry within community. We quickly discovered that for us this would mean moving back and forth between multiple worlds, not being specialists but dwelling with and becoming bridges between several communities.” (p. 25) When I think about the values that have emerged in my time with New Direction, they echo the call of FATM: • To be relational • To extend dignity and respect across diversity • To rest, and call others to rest, in the identity of the Beloved • To be holistically concerned for the whole person – not just fixated on a presenting ‘issue’ (like sexuality) • To embody generous spaciousness and to encourage hospitality “We are better able to resist tendencies to reductionism when we are in relationships that affirm each person’s dignity and identity and when we come into those relationships confident that God is already at work in the other person.” As we have found God moving us to a more generous space in our engagement with our gay friends and neighbours, this movement has been deeply informed by our experience of intimate and unconditionally loving relationship with God. “The Scriptures make clear that God’s love is abundant and available for each of us, but also that in a particular and protective way God loves those who are most vulnerable: widows, orphaned children, strangers and those pushed to the margins of a community.” “Friendship at the Margins” doesn’t explicitly deal with those who find themselves outside the heterosexual mainstream. The margins of which they speak are often the stark places of profound poverty, slavery and sexual exploitation, and staggering injustice such that many of us in the west cannot fathom. But in their faithfulness to extend and be in community as an extension of God’s unconditional love, Heuertz and Pohl share with those of us seeking to be ambassadors of reconciliation among the divides around faith and sexuality a poetic, affirming and encouraging example of Christ-centered fruitful mission that extends dignity and respect through transformational friendship. I highly recommend it! Note: Chris Heuertz joined us in our synchroblog last year – you can find his contribution here.

-WG

Review: Friendship at the Margins

Last week I finished the excellent new release by Chris Heuertz and Christine Pohl, “Friendship at the Margins: Discovering Mutuality in Service and Mission”. On the front cover is an image entitled, “Jesus Eats With Friends”. It’s an image in which I found myself caught up in the circle of relationship.

Reading this book brought me into that same space – one of inclusion and welcome, of friendship and being known. I felt as though Heuertz and Pohl had been secretly recording my thoughts in this crazy journey I’ve been traveling with New Direction. And it was so profoundly comforting and affirming to experience that this pair of theologian(s) and practitioner(s) had found language and image and story to portray the learnings and promptings and expressions of mission that I had felt increasingly drawn to. In fact, my recent post, “the Witness of Hospitality” was in large part inspired by reading the book (and for those of you who complained a wee bit about the length of it – you can find a podcast of this same post here).

“Friendship at the Margins” is part of the Resources for Reconciliation Book Series. This series is intended to address the tangible pursuit of hope in the midst of brokenness with the mission of “equipping and stimulating God’s people to be more faithful ambassadors of reconciliation in a fractured world.” In FATM, this reconciliation finds its centre in the midst of friendship – and friendships in some very hard places. The stories shared of friendship across ethnic, religious, economic and moral divides is exquisite – both beautiful and overwhelming. Particularly in the work of the mission, “Word Made Flesh”, of which Heuertz is the international director, we see this embodiment of mission and ministry with the experience of community as central.

“We were looking for a model that connected mission to everyday life and that located mission and ministry within community. We quickly discovered that for us this would mean moving back and forth between multiple worlds, not being specialists but dwelling with and becoming bridges between several communities.” (p. 25)

When I think about the values that have emerged in my time with New Direction, they echo the call of FATM:
• To be relational
• To extend dignity and respect across diversity
• To rest, and call others to rest, in the identity of the Beloved
• To be holistically concerned for the whole person – not just fixated on a presenting ‘issue’ (like sexuality)
• To embody generous spaciousness and to encourage hospitality

“We are better able to resist tendencies to reductionism when we are in relationships that affirm each person’s dignity and identity and when we come into those relationships confident that God is already at work in the other person.”

As we have found God moving us to a more generous space in our engagement with our gay friends and neighbours, this movement has been deeply informed by our experience of intimate and unconditionally loving relationship with God. “The Scriptures make clear that God’s love is abundant and available for each of us, but also that in a particular and protective way God loves those who are most vulnerable: widows, orphaned children, strangers and those pushed to the margins of a community.”

“Friendship at the Margins” doesn’t explicitly deal with those who find themselves outside the heterosexual mainstream. The margins of which they speak are often the stark places of profound poverty, slavery and sexual exploitation, and staggering injustice such that many of us in the west cannot fathom. But in their faithfulness to extend and be in community as an extension of God’s unconditional love, Heuertz and Pohl share with those of us seeking to be ambassadors of reconciliation among the divides around faith and sexuality a poetic, affirming and encouraging example of Christ-centered fruitful mission that extends dignity and respect through transformational friendship. I highly recommend it!

Note: Chris Heuertz joined us in our synchroblog last year – you can find his contribution here.

-WG

Of Friday Venting and INFP's

As I hope is evident on this blog, I am passionate about our communities being hospitable and open to diversity. I think hospitality is a non-negotiable of living in the way of Jesus. And I believe that we are called, as part of that hospitality, to engage those who are very different than we are with the unconditional acceptance and love of Christ. (Note: unconditional acceptance does not equal unconditional approval – within this kind of diversity there may be any number of ideas and behaviours that another given individual disagrees with – but the welcome and acceptance is unconditional none-the-less) I really value Paul’s teaching about different parts of the Body – I think we need one another, I think we learn and grow from rubbing against one another’s different thoughts and ways of processing.

But I don’t for one minute think that this ideal is easy or simple to live out.

In fact, I have times I just want to check out of the whole thing – because navigating difference with patience and grace can be just exhausting sometimes. Trying to explain nuance and embracing uncertainty and ambiguity to someone who sees in black and white, at times seems to be an exercise in futility.

Now, for a moment of transparency, I am an INFP. That means that on the Myers Brigg’s personality profile, I am someone who:
• Is focused on making the world a better place for people
• Does not like conflict – and in conflict places little importance on who is right or wrong – but focuses on how people are feeling – and can be a good mediator because of intuitively understanding people’s perspectives and feelings and genuinely wanting to help them.
• Is flexible – unless one of my values is violated – then I become an aggressive defender, fighting passionately for my cause
• Doesn’t like to deal with hard facts and logic – hates impersonal judgment because things are about real human beings
• Finds rules and regulations restrictive
• Has a high capacity for ambiguity
• Has a big focus on feelings and experience

These particular traits make me well suited to be a bridge-builder. But they are also traits that make it challenging to engage those who want to make logical decisions (that can seem impersonal), that line up with a set of rules (aren’t rules made to be broken?), and have matters settled (shouldn’t we keep an open mind here?).

This morning I was reading the Agenda for Synod for the denomination I’m a part of. In June I will be a delegate from my geographical region to the annual meeting where big decisions are made. Reading through overtures and arguments ….. I wanted to scream. It seemed pretty obvious to me that the NFP’s were all out at Starbucks engaging in deep conversation while the STJ’s in the group put all that stuff together. Then I read an article about the whole controversy around John Piper inviting Rick Warren to some big conference thing ….. and I wanted to scream again. The endless arguments, the forensic sifting of exegetical details, the defending and guarding of the truth …. They all make me tired. Given my awareness of my preferences in processing and decision-making, I have always told myself that these things are important for someone (else) to do ….. but some days I’m just not so sure. Not that I think the church needs to bend towards an exclusively NFP motif (I’m sure that would be a disaster) ….. but when I consider the lives of real people that somehow seem to be so easily missed in the midst of the arguments and debates and evidence and research ….. I have to ask sometimes whether we’ve completely missed the point of being the church.

After reading about Piper and Warren, I read Christianity Today’s interview with Jennifer Knapp. I haven’t commented on her coming out to this point – others have done so at length and I didn’t need to add my two cents worth particularly given that I hadn’t listened to her music up until this week (to my loss I might add). But as I read the interview, I was so struck by the humanness of it all. She didn’t have big theological answers. She didn’t fit into the “what side are you on” rhetoric – despite the fact that people would assume and declare that because she is in a same-sex relationship, she is on a particular side. But she says, “I'm in no way capable of leading a charge for some kind of activist movement. I'm just a normal human being who's dealing with normal everyday life scenarios. As a Christian, I'm doing that as best as I can.”

And the admittedly INFP in me asks, “If we do not make space for someone like Jennifer, in the context of our faith communities, to keep on exploring the life of faith, to keep on living in the way of Jesus ‘the best I can’, how will we respond to Jesus when he asks us why?”

I’m sorry – at least for today - I don’t want to argue the exegesis of arsenokoite or malakoi. I don’t want to want to rummage through 2,000 years of church tradition to dissect why the conversations around engaging our gay brothers and sisters didn’t come up sooner. I don’t want to fight about the place and weight of cultural context in our hermeneutical grid. I don’t want to endure accusations of compromise and relativism.

I just want people like Jennifer to be able to find a place where they can engage with Jesus and the Scriptures through worship and relationship with other followers of Christ.

I know that’s overly simplistic. I know that doesn’t answer all the questions.**

I’m an INFP – shoot me.

Jennifer said, “The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith. I still consider my hope to be a whole human being, to be a person of love and grace.”

You know, the church needs its detail-oriented folks. It needs the folks who are logical. It needs the folks who like to follow the rules.

But I hope that the church still has room for the INFP’s too. Don’t be too quick to assume we don’t care about Scripture or the purity of the church or speaking truth about sin. Don’t be too quick to write us off as feel-good, wishy-washy, weaklings.

You need us. We need each other. And we all need to make room for the “other”.



** Note: This doesn’t mean I will never wrestle with those questions – I wrestled a great deal in the past and will inevitably do so again in the future ….. There IS a time and a place for those conversations …. But there is, I would suggest, also a time to stop and see one another’s humanity – each on our journey toward God, entrusting one another to the direction and guidance of the Spirit of Christ.

Synchroblog: What is Emerging?

This post is part of a synchroblog initiated by Julie Clawson. Julie and I ended up being roommates when we both spoke at Urbana this past December. You can check out all the other posts at her blog or over at the facebook page.

Synchroblog intro:

What is emerging in the church?
What good things are growing that we can celebrate?
Who are the diverse voices that are now leading the church into the 21st century?

There has been a lot of chatter around the interwebs lately regarding how the church emerging in this 21st century is a mostly white male phenomenon. On one hand, there is good reason for this discussion. Many of the bestselling authors and rockstar speakers still happen to be middle-class white guys with Evangelical roots, and it is easy to assume that the most visible players define the whole. Nothing against privileged white guys with big platforms, but most of us know that they are not the sum of (or the core of) what is stirring in the church these days. In fact, their voices are in truth no longer the dominant voices as those of us who were previously marginalized in the Western church world (for one reason or another) are now defining the conversation regarding the church's future. Our gender, our race, our orientation, our theological or socioeconomic background can no longer by any stretch of the imagination be reason to silence us. We are bringing our knowledge and perspectives from the margins to help guide the church forward. It isn't something we hope to achieve someday, it is what is happening now. We are the emerging church. We are the voice of the church.

One might wonder why I’d want to weigh in on this kind of synchroblog here at BTG. Our desire to foster safe and spacious conversations around the intersection of faith and sexuality is not limited to those who might find themselves in an emergent church. But what is wonderful about Julie’s questions is their openness – this is not just tied to the emergent movement – but it is a question to anyone who connects as a follower of Jesus with others stumbling and staggering along in this journey of faith. That openness is both something to celebrate about what is emerging in the church – and a reason to jump in and engage.

So, as a Canadian who’s daring to throw my two cents worth into an American conversation, I want to begin by identifying the increasing global nature of the conversations. This diversity is often hugely challenging and stretching. Voices have different experiences, priorities, and comfort zones. But what is emerging, in my experience, is language and capacity to navigate difference with increased generosity, less freak-out, at times enlarged patience, and more robust humility. These virtues give me hope for what is continuing to evolve at the global level of conversation. Particularly, given the fact that the regular topic of this blog – diverse sexual identity – currently raises such tension and conflict in the global conversation ….. I have to keep banking on the hope that generosity, patience, and humility will mark the way forward. Since I believe these are deeply resonant with the character of Christ – I must hope that the church will recover these characteristics as it continues to move forward in a global and diverse conversation.

As has been identified by other contributors, marginalized voices are emerging in the gathering of God’s people. We perhaps typically think of gender, race, orientation, or income level in this regard – and I think there are examples of each of these categories – which give cause for much celebration. Given my work through New Direction, I'm grateful for the voices of those outside the heterosexual mainstream who are active participants in being the church together. However, I want to raise another voice from the margins – the voice of our children. Increasingly, I see a recognition that our children are not the church of tomorrow …. they are the church of today. There is an awareness of giftings and discernment on the part of our children that are welcomed equitably as we communally listen for God’s leading. What a wonderful way to grow us in humility. It is also interesting in our particular area of engagement as we consider kids coming out at younger ages, the voices of gay youth speaking up in the church. How can we encourage young people who find themselves outside the heterosexual mainstream to be active participants in listening for and speaking out God’s call to the church in our current context? Or what about youth with gay friends who are challenging the church to get their priorities in shape when it comes to questions of inclusion, hospitality and unconditional acceptance and love? What I hope continues to emerge is a willingness to break down the assumptions that our kids can’t yet contribute – because we deeply need their voices in the conversation.

Before I get too long winded, I would also want to quickly point to those engaging in the conversation with multiple minority identities – and the immensely valuable contribution they have to offer to the wider conversation and journey of calling the church to continue to emerge into a fuller expression of the way of Jesus. What of the non-white, young female who is deaf and outside the heterosexual mainstream? Do you know her? Have you listened to her story? Have you heard the shape of faith experienced through her journey? What of the transman recently arriving in your community, fleeing from a place of persecution? Do you know him? Have you listened to his story? Do you offer opportunity for his story to be told with those who gather as your church?

I celebrate that those who have dared to rethink, dared to face their anxieties and reconsider long-held assumptions and certitudes, are so often a people of action as well as contemplation. So, I celebrate the tangible expressions of hospitality, for stories shared, for lived stretched and challenged by the ‘other’. I celebrate pints of beer drunk with those with very different paradigms – in a spirit of inquisitive exploration. And I celebrate that the Incarnate One smiles every time the circle widens.

Clashing Paradigms

I had a shocking moment this morning when I was listening to an interview my friend Drew Marshall did on his show this past weekend. He brought Tim Challies and Spencer Burke into the same conversation.

Now, to be honest, I’d never heard of Tim Challies – but he and I will both be doing presentations at next fall’s “8th Letter Conference”. Apparently, he is one of the top bloggers in the arena of faith and lives just down the road from me in Oakvile, ON. He is described as conservative/Calvinist/Reformed.

Spencer Burke I had heard of. He’s connected with theOOZE.com and linked in with us for our synchroblog last year. Spencer was described by Drew as liberal/emergent/non-orthodox.

As the interview progressed the two different paradigms became clear. Challies put knowing and then defending the truth revealed in Scripture front and centre. For him, this meant the necessary separation at times from those who were not adhering to that revealed truth. For Burke, fellowship and creating a space in which to hear one another and learn from one another across diversity in interpretation, doctrine etc. was an essential outworking of being in the Body of Christ.

Now some of you will laugh at this, but it became very clear to me as I listened to this interview that people would align me with Spencer Burke – and therefore potentially with a liberal/emergent/non-orthodox label. And that means other people, perhaps people like Tim Challies, would describe me as dangerous.

I guess it was so shocking for me because I grew up and my faith was formed in communities that would describe themselves as Calvinist and Reformed. For most of my life I would have fairly easily fit the conservative label – at least when it came to my positions on particular issues.

Truth is, I don’t want to be seen as dangerous and I don't want to be pigeon-holed by labels. I love the church. I love the people around me – people Christ came, died and was raised to restore to full, intimate relationship with himself, the Father and the Holy Spirit. And for me, that includes all people. It includes people in the Body of Christ with whom I may have very different ideas and priorities. It includes people outside of the church – in whom I fully expect to experience the presence of God. It includes people who like me and people who don’t.

Andy Crouch tweeted this morning “if you cannot tolerate unpopularity, you’re probably not a leader”. Though I can’t say I relish being disliked, I hope that isn’t the feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. I hope that this feeling – having just posted “the Witness of Hospitality” – has everything to do with the cost of loving God and loving people and having it potentially labeled dangerous by fellow Christians who love the same Jesus I do.

In these moments, when my stomach does flip-flops and I have to face my own fears, I tell myself to look at Jesus, the lover of my soul, who was perceived to be so dangerous to systems of religious truth – that they killed him.

The Witness of Hospitality

There is no question that my sense of mission and focus has been evolving over the last number of years. This hasn’t been an easy journey for many different reasons. People on all sides of the questions around integrating faith and sexuality have, at times, misunderstood my intentions or misjudged my motives. Sometimes that has felt very lonely – yet God has been faithful to send people to encourage and help me along the way. I have wondered if this example might be helpful to try to explain the kind of shifts in focus I’ve been making – though I’m always aware that any kind of illustration will inevitably fall short and not be completely effective. But here goes…. Imagine if you came to work for an organization that was focused on supporting the Israeli cause. You spoke on the issue, tried to rally others to support it and so on. You made several trips to Israel even. But along the way, you began to meet Palestinians. And you built relationships with them. You listened to their stories. And you began to experience the pain of the division and enmity between people over these larger issues. And while you continued to have deep sympathies for the concerns of Israel, you began to realize that some of your priorities were shifting. You began to yearn for reconciliation and to see the enmity dismantled. And you began to dream of safe and hospitable space where people from Israel and people from Palestine could meet one another, listen to one another, and share meals together. You began to sense that hospitality in the midst of this enmity was the truly subversive Christ-like response. And so you began to speak about this, have conversations with those for whom these were personal realities, and develop friendships that embodied this kind of generous space. And along the way, people who supported Israel felt some sense of betrayal and said you were now promoting the Palestinian cause – but didn’t care about them – which broke your heart – because you did care about them. And some in support of Palestine assumed you would now lobby for their cause. And when you tried to explain that your deep concern was that there could be a space where Israeli’s and Palestinian’s could see one another’s humanity, where there could be shared generosity, and the hope that peace could come through relationship and reconciliation – some “got it” but others said, “But what’s your position? You’ve got to have a position. You’ve got to choose a side.” I’m not so sure this is a great example – I know it’s like talking about apples and oranges. But I’ve been trying to find a way to express this deep passion that I have for bridge-building and peace-making in the midst of the often divisive engagements around the intersection of faith and sexuality in a way that people will understand. The reality is that there are people who have different perspectives on the topic of homosexuality. Some of those people do not situate themselves within a paradigm of faith. But for those who do live as followers of Jesus – there is also great diversity on the question of whether there is room in God’s mercy for monogamous partnerships between people sexually oriented to their own gender. I have found that so much of the conversation has been fixated on whether or not gay people can or cannot have an intimate sexual relationship, on whether you are right or wrong, on my team or against me ….. that we’ve lost sight of some foundational aspects of the person and ministry of Christ. Slowly over the years, I realized that all of the arguments about causation and orientation change were mainly just tragic distractions. That pouring literally millions of dollars into fighting gay marriage was an indictment on North American Christians’ obsession with power and control and often driven by fear and anger. And that somehow trying to prevent same-sex attracted followers of Jesus from ever getting off the treadmill of striving for heterosexuality was most often impoverishing their journey of faith. As my awareness in these areas crystallized, they began to haunt me and drive me to embody a new paradigm and a new set of priorities in mission and ministry with those marginalized from the privilege of heterosexual majority. I began to see and understand systemic inequity in ways I’d never seen before. I reflected on the misuse of power and dominance and found myself in deep lament for the state of empire-driven Christendom. The shape of this new paradigm emerged slowly – and is still being shaped and formed as it is lived out. • I became convinced that our work needed to be shaped around relationship. And God honoured that by opening many new opportunities to develop friendships with people from very different places. • I found myself stepping away from a cause-driven agenda and moving towards a ministry of presence with a commitment to try to be simply and incarnationally with people in their journey. Bottom line, I was much more concerned and interested in a person’s wholistic walk with God than just the question of their commitments and decisions around how they would integrate their sexual identity with their faith. Not that they are completely unrelated – but one’s entire relationship with God is not defined by one’s sexuality. • I was confronted with my own tendencies to want to control and manipulate the outcomes in people’s lives. And God began to form a new and deep commitment in me to let go and trust the Holy Spirit to convict and direct. • As I encountered hurt and betrayal from people I’d poured my heart into, I slowly grew in centering myself in the secure confidence that I am His Beloved. This took discipline and accountability and submitting myself to others who could both remind, encourage and challenge me. • The picture of hospitality began to take root in a deep place in me – and wouldn’t let me go. This place of hospitality was about embodying the way of Jesus. It was not about trying to bring change as much as it seemed to be about being a witness – a witness to the way of Jesus within the systems of domination, exclusion and division. I saw such systems all around me. On the one side was a system in the Christian community (not perpetuated by all Christians – but a system with a good amount of weight behind it none-the-less) that seemed to lose sight of the real people impacted by this question of integrating faith and sexuality. Real people who needed to experience the unconditional love of Christ through His people. A system that seemed content to be systematic and theoretical. A system that both knowingly and unknowingly enabled attitudes and stereotypes and assumptions that alienated, ostracized and dehumanized. A system that had essentially no room for the “other”. On the other side was a system within the gay community (not perpetuated by all gay people – but a system with a good amount of weight behind it none-the-less) that also had an “our way or the highway” drive. It seemed to be a system that had great difficulty making room for people’s deep convictions if they differed from their own. A system that had a win-lose motif. Walter Wink has said, “God at one and the same time upholds a given political and economic system, since some such system is required to support human life; condemns that system insofar as it is destructive of fully human life; and presses for its transformation into a more humane order. Conservatives stress the first, revolutionaries the second, reformers the third. The Christian is expected to hold together all three.” I think one of the ways the Christian holds all three responses together is in the expression of hospitality. Both of the dominant and warring systems within these two communities seemed to have very little connection with the concept of hospitality – of making room. Now the difference between tolerance and hospitality here is crucial. With tolerance, we merely accept one another at a superficial level. We stifle our attitudes and opinions for the sake of political correctness. The result is shallow relationships with simmering resentments. For there is no safe place for conversation about our differences. Difference is just assimilated into the dominant paradigm – and nobody really feels like they have any choices or any power. Hospitality creates room for robust conversation about difference while extending a humble and intentionally power-less welcome to the “other”. In this space, authentic relationships can grow – even when there are divergent views or even beliefs. For the follower of Jesus, I believe hospitality is a non-negotiable. It was at the heart of Jesus’ ministry and if we follow in his way, we are called to embody that same unconditional welcome and opportunity for friendship. As I think about embodying this paradigm as a primary priority in our ministry, I believe our witness to the world will be focused on the following: • The deep belief that we are the Beloved – with the opportunity to invite others to experience and embrace their Belovedness • A model of living in relationship with one another – a counter-cultural witness in the face of individualism, isolation and division • The ministry of reconciliation – breaking down enmity • The commitment to shalom and concern for the common good – marked by sharing, generosity, mutuality, respect and being non-patronizing • The shared vision of justice Such a place makes room for people to hold their deepest convictions with pure motives – because motives energized by fear, prejudice or dominance have been challenged and dismantled. In such a place people can explore faith – without experiencing coercion or control. The vision of such a space is shaped by a desire for shalom and to be a voice for shalom in the larger conversations around sexuality. In this space, celibate gay Christians and partnerered gay Christians can link arms, despite their differences and disagreements, and speak words of fidelity and self-giving love to the self-driven, consuming sexuality so pervasive in our culture. In Christ, they can stand as a witness to a wholistic understanding of our sexuality as that drive to overcome our aloneness – that is met in what we can give to others not what we can take. In this space followers of Jesus, despite significant differences in interpretation around sexual ethics, can point to the good intentions of beauty and fruitfulness and the image of God to be woven through our expressions of sexuality – as manifested with so much more depth than the typical genital reductionism of the media around us. So many followers of Jesus I encounter live in tension around questions of faith and sexuality. This hospitable space creates room for questions and paradox and mystery. It allows the Spirit to speak and to keep on revealing Jesus’ heart to us. It fosters a place of dependence and trust where we acknowledge our desperate need of God. This, I believe, will bear witness to a cynical and often sexually burned-out world more than our cause-driven, right and wrong apologetics, or theoretical rhetoric ever could. And as this relationally energized hospitality is lived out, I believe it will be transformational and lead us more deeply into the heart of God.

The Sin Question

I enjoy being stretched by conversations with people from different backgrounds and perspectives. So I often try to think of questions to put in my facebook status in the hopes that people will weigh in with their insights and contributions. Yesterday’s question was, “How would you define sin? Why”. I kicked off the comments by saying that this is a question that comes up in my work a lot – but when it comes right down to it people are often hesitant to actually define sin. Perhaps this is particularly true when the question comes up around a topic like homosexuality. I think this may be the case because many Christians don’t know what to do with the idea that people may disagree on what is sinful and what isn’t – people who still really love Jesus and still really care about what the Scriptures say. Though this is changing in many contexts, a lot of Christians have had the experience of going to church and connecting with other Christians who think a lot like they do.

But when you DO encounter Christians who think differently than you do …. How do you respond? Well, some folks just shut down and cut off engagement. Others try to convince the other person they’re wrong and need to see things their way – call them to repentance so-to-speak. For many, there are tremendous feelings of anxiety. And then sometimes, people will take a deep breath and look at their own beliefs and question whether or not they need to consider this different perspective they are being introduced to. I think the reason that this last option is so rare, is that we’ve been taught to not question – that questioning our beliefs or positions is evidence of a weak faith.

My daughter was reading about Job in her children’s bible last night during family devotions. And the moral of the story as interpreted by the author of this story bible was that we aren’t to question God. To which I, as a good parent said, “Actually, God really likes it when we ask questions, when we think about hard things from the bible, and when we have a conversation with God about those things. Can you tell me someone in the bible who asked God a lot of questions?” I shared with them that I’d just had the chance to hang out with a guy who wrote a book called, “The Sacredness of Questioning Everything” ….. and we had a good conversation as a family around the whole invitation to question.

I saw this quote in a post by my friend Nathan Colquhoun:

“The essential difference between orthodox Christianity and the various heretical systems is that orthodoxy is rooted in paradox. Heretics, as Irenaeus saw, reject paradox in favour of a false clarity and precision. But true faith can only grow and mature if it includes the elements of paradox and creative doubt. Hence the insistence of orthodoxy that God cannot be known by the mind, but is known in the obscurity of faith, in the way of ignorance, in the darkness. Such doubt is not the enemy of faith but an essential element within it. For faith in God does not bring the false peace of answered questions and resolved paradoxes. Rather, it can be seen as a process of ‘unceasing interrogation.’ …The spirit enters into our lives and puts disturbing questions. Without such creative doubt, religion becomes hard and cruel, degenerating into the spurious security which breeds intolerance and persecution. Without doubt, there is loss of inner reality and of inspirational power to religious language. The whole of spiritual life must suffer from, and be seriously harmed by, the repression of doubt.”
– Kenneth Leech

So back to the sin question …. people do have different ideas about what sin is.

Consider these comments from the facebook conversation:

“Sin is falling short. In the world of faith, it's falling short of the Glory of God. Sin hurts us or hurts others.”

“Sin is anything that violates the Two Great Commandments -- anything not based on love.”

“Sin is acting contrary to the character of God. It is being un-Godly.”

“I'm not sure.”

“I tend to view it as missing the target. The target being God's will.”

“At its essence, simply a mistake. Theologically, a mistake against the creative intent, will or perfect design of a loving God.”

“God ultimately knows what is sinful and what is not .. but how He holds us accountable is the question.”

“I suppose I choose not to define sin, not because I do not believe it has definition but because I think it does. The stakes are kind of high, it is my life I am playing with. So I chose also to recognize God's ultimate authority, ability and lean on the only staff I possess, the distinct possibility that He would chose to show me grace. Grace not deserved but simply the best call He could make concerning me and eternity.”

“Sin is that which causes us to cower in God's presence - to attempt to hide from Him in shame.”

Neal Plantinga wrote a book about sin in 1995 and in the first few pages notes that if we talk about sin, we need to talk about shalom. If sin is “not the way it’s supposed to be” then shalom is “the way things are supposed to be …. They are supposed to include peace that adorns and completes justice, mutual respect, and deliberate and widespread attention to the public good.” (p. 8) He goes on to say that God hates sin because it breaks shalom and says, “Sin is culpable shalom-breaking” (p. 14)

If we think about this, we soon realize that people experience and expect the shape of shalom in different ways – and therefore understand shalom and its absence in different ways. For some, shalom may be the hope and experience that people image God in similar ways – including in the most intimate one flesh union of sexual intercourse. Their experience and expectation of the complementarity of male and female as mysteriously coming together to image God in the sexual union is their grid for understanding the shalom of God. For another, shalom is the outworking of God’s creation observation that it is not good for man to be alone. In response, their deepest sense of shalom is knowing and being known. Trump in this case is the experience of relational intimacy – not gender complementarity. One suggests that same-gender unions are an affront to the image of God – the other sees coerced aloneness as being an affront to a relational God. They see the breaking of shalom differently. And thus experience the sin question differently.

When we reduce these fundamental differences to caricatures and accusations, I would submit, we break the shalom of seeing one another’s hearts, listening for where the Spirit is at work, and seeking to understand, honour and serve one another. These are fundamentally different ways of looking at things – but in both understandings there can be the robust desire to make God and His Word central.

Does that mean sin is relative? That somehow this breaking of shalom can look differently for different people?

Plantinga comments on this when he references limited moral subjectivism: that some acts are genuinely (even if not objectively)* wrong for one person but not for another, and they are wrong on account of what the person thinks about them. He also points out that we need to remember the concept of limited moral absolutism: it is always wrong to act against one’s conscience. This reminds us of James 4: 17: “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.”

So at the end of the day, each of us needs to wrestle with God – not just about how we would define sin – which is conveniently theoretical – but about what our conscience is saying to us about our thoughts, intentions and actions. And I would submit, we need to give one another some space to actually have that ongoing dialogue with God. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit doesn’t overwhelm us with conviction about everything at every moment …. For then who could stand? Who could respond? No, the Holy Spirit has impeccable, perfect timing ….. and embodies a deeper, gracious knowing than followers of Christ are able to extend to one another. So my money is with letting the Holy Spirit do his job in his way in his time.

There is no question, of course, that we have incredible capacity for self-deception and may well need the loving and bold intervention of fellow brothers and sisters (consider the prophet Nathan and his visit to David after the death of Uriah and affair with Bathsheba). But such correction ought to come with tears and sorrow – not with self-righteous judgment and accusation.

May God lavishly grant wisdom and discernment so that we will walk this road together in humility, depending on the Holy Spirit, and with self-giving love.

* I understand, of course, that many would argue that same-sex sexual behaviour is objectively dealt with in Scripture and therefore the concept of limited moral subjectivism does not apply. But some would see that it could apply particularly when they consider our current understanding of sexual orientation and the kind of covenantal mutual partnerships of some gay Christians.

-WG

Tapestry: Beauty & Chaos

I just happened to notice today while responding to some friend requests on Facebook that someone defriended me. I have no idea who – and it really doesn’t matter. I’m not hurt or offended – I have a pretty open policy about people joining or removing themselves from my friend list. But it did get me thinking. Was this an old highschool classmate who hated getting so much traffic on their homepage from my fb activities? Someone who realized I wasn’t going to help them get a cow or brick or food item for their various fb game obsessions? Was it a fundamentalist family member who was uncomfortable with the kind of thought-provoking questions I often ask in my status line? Or perhaps was it a fellow Christian who got spooked by the gay positive comments many of my gay friends feel comfortable leaving on my wall?

I take delight in knowing how diverse my friend list on fb is. To me, it is a beautiful tapestry of different people with different journeys, outlooks, and personalities. At the same time, in my mind I sometimes flip that tapestry over and see the multi-coloured threads all jumbled up together, chaotic and messy and quite unrepresentative of the beauty on the other side – and I have my moments of anxiety. Will a vulnerable contact get engaged with someone else on my list who doesn’t exactly know how to embody generous spaciousness? Will someone comment on someone else’s comment in an offensive or insensitive way – even with the best of intentions? To date, I’ve not seen anything like that on my fb page. I feel like it has been a hospitable space where there is great difference and diversity. But, I do sometimes wonder if that might just blow up in a hurtful way and wound someone I really care about.

What if a conservative pastor, who found themselves appreciating the spiritual insight and wisdom of a regular commenter, finally puts two and two together and realizes this is a trans male to female follower of Jesus or a partnered gay Christian? Would they process the sudden tension they might experience – or just quietly disappear from the conversation? My hope, of course, is that they would continue to engage, embrace the tension, and see Christ in the midst of the complexity.

What if a gay Christian friend, new in the journey like a butterfly just unfolding its wings, somewhat damp and fragile, reads a comment from someone else that makes them feel unsafe and unwelcome? I know how devastating this could be.

What about the times those who embrace a celibate journey see me encouraging an affirming gay Christian in their walk with God? Will they feel betrayed? Will they feel that I speak out of both sides of my mouth? Will they understand the nuance and tension and paradox of bridge-building? Will they be able to accept some of the uncertainty in which I choose to live?

At the end of the day, I cannot control any of these outcomes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about trying to foster a safe and hospitable space – on my fb page or on this blog. People are at all kinds of different places, with different priorities and concerns, different styles of communicating, and different expectations. But my priority, over on fb and here on BTG, is to foster hospitable space, an unconditional welcome, where our differences can be explored in a generous, gracious and caring way.

Inevitably, when I’m speaking within the Christian community, I get asked the question, “How far do you take the love and acceptance of Jesus?” And my response is usually along the lines of, “I want to keep having dinner with people as long as they are willing to have dinner with me.” Always invitational – never coercive.

So whether you agree with me or not, you are welcome here….. but I hope that you will have an investment in experiencing and helping to foster hospitable space. Your honest questions are welcomed. Your unique place in the journey is welcomed. The community who comments and gathers in these places (even if they are virtual and not the literal Starbucks down the street) will, I hope, seek to listen, understand, engage, welcome and learn from one another. And if and when we fall short, as we inevitably will, I pray we’ll seek to extend grace and forgiveness and spaciousness to one another. And in the words of Billy Graham, we’ll let God be the judge, the Holy Spirit the one who convicts – and we’ll be the ones to love one another.

Note: for those of you who think this is just sappy, Hallmark drivel ….. too darn bad. It’s a lot harder work than being caustic, sarcastic, divisive or bitter.

-WG

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ"

Many in the Christian community have become familiar with the book, “unChristian: What a New Generation Thinks About Christianity…..and Why it Matters” by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. After surveying young people ages 16 – 29, the authors found that 91% of those outside the church perceived Christians to be anti-gay. Of all the negative perceptions, including judgmental, hypocritical, old-fashioned, too involved in politics, out of touch with reality, insensitive to others, boring, not accepting of other faiths, and confusing, this anti-gay perception was most commonly held.

This goes much deeper than an image problem. As the title of the book suggests, the perceptions held by a younger generation, including those within the church itself, are inconsistent with what many would view as the character and ministry of Jesus. It brings us back to Ghandi’s observation, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.”

So the problem is not just image or perception – the problem is the tragic disconnect between our representation of Christ and Christ himself. I say “our” because as much as I hope and pray that the way I engage with people is reflective of Jesus, I am all too aware of my limitations and short-comings and that whether I like it or not I am part of the Christian community – the good, the bad and the ugly of that. It would be far too easy to distance myself and with a sanctimonious piety say, “Well, I’m not like THOSE people who just don’t get it”. I need to posture myself to listen to the perceptions, the critiques. But even more, I need to listen for the hearts behind the critiques – because God may be speaking to me through them. That requires that I really do embrace a humility that is teachable, that acknowledges that I have much to learn, and that in so many ways I could be wrong. The measure of my faith is not in my certainty – the measure of my faith is trusting God to keep drawing me to himself and helping me to relate to others as he does.

Despite my intentions in embodying generous spaciousness, I am perceived by some as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. In a Box Turtle Bulletin post that references the Toronto bus ads, a reader of this blog suggested in the comments that people take a look at the post I’d written about it. In response someone commented:

“The person who suggested we look at Wendy Gritter’s post clearly doesn’t get it. Don’t waste your time!! Wendy Gritter, and Andrew Marin, and the various people who are advocating a kinder, gentler brand of Christian Supremacy (look at some of the names of the people who are either on the Board or on Staff at NDM – there is at least one person affiliated with NARTH, another two people who spoke at a national Exodus conference in the last two years, etc.), are exactly the kind of people this article should speak to.
But it won’t. They’ll keep trying to be more subtle.
Unfortunately, this kinder, ever more subtle, seemingly gentler brand of supremacy is indeed appealing to so many people. I think it is MORE dangerous than the overt condemnation of Fred Phelps in some ways because people actually get sucked in by this stuff.”

(Just a quick note to clarify: I’m not sure what they are referring to when they suggest that board or staff at ND are affiliated with NARTH or spoke at a national Exodus conference – this is not the case. I would be curious to know to whom they refer. Bruxy Cavey, who is on our board of reference, spoke at an Exodus Global Alliance conference last year. Additionally, I spoke at an Exodus leadership conference a few years ago – the podcast is available on the ND site and a follow-up conversation can be found on exgaywatch here)

While I believe in the importance of listening to critique, it’s not easy. Your knee-jerk reaction is to defend yourself, to explain the motivations of your heart, to wear the opposition you endure like a badge of honour and proof of your advocacy ….. but at the end of the day, none of this really matters. It’s just words. It can just foster people talking past one another. The proof of the pudding is in the conversations that happen. The relationships that develop. The investment of time to be present in another’s life. The evidence of embodying a posture of presence and learning rather than indoctrination and proselytizing really only emerges as people really get to know one another. I can protest that I don’t engage in people’s life with an agenda to control the outcome of their decisions and journey – but that may be meaningless unless someone actually experiences that in relationship with me. (And of course, no one truly has no agenda – we all have agendas to some degree – perhaps the difference is in how much weight or emphasis we give them. I feel free to not try to control the outcome in another’s life because I believe God can be trusted to lead and direct and guide people. I don’t have to do his job for him in the way that I interpret is best. And I find freedom in the messy reality that people embrace faith and live it out differently – and I don’t have to judge or control that.)

Some of us have to engage very personal critique and to choose to respond in a manner that is consistent with Christ – who chose not to be offended, to not defend himself, to offer his life to all (even though all hurt and reject him in some capacity). But in the bigger picture of faith in our culture, I hope that the Christian community will really wrestle with and consider the kind of reality we are bequeathing to this generation (if indeed perception is reality – then I think this is appropriate wording).

Consider these comments that were left on a facebook page. (The context: a group of parents and students, many who identify with the Christian church, planned a secret ‘prom’ in order to exclude a lesbian student who wanted to bring her girlfriend to prom. Read more about that story here.)

Are you people SO terrified of gay people that you could do something so cruel to another human being... and then feel proud about it? I'm sure all of you are extremely religious (which would explain your irrational intolerance and hatred of gay people). Do you actually think that Jesus would approve of what you've done? The entire country pities all of you.

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” -Luke 23:34
All of you are disgusting filth, and you should hope that the bible you so adamantly defend is real enough to protect you from your conscience ten years down the road.

This is so incredibly disappointing. If you truly accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, then I hope you're prepared to answer for your bigotry and hatred when you meet him. As far as I'm concerned, nothing is more shameful than a hateful, spiteful, deceitful Christian. It's the total antithesis of what he stood for and taught.

Hi, I just wanted to say that you guys were such amazing examples of Christians. Bigoted, cruel, close minded and fucking ignorant. I hope the whole world hears about the stunt you pulled. i hope they see you for the worthless sacks of shit that you are. Because really, you disgust me. You are such poor excuses for people that I really think your ‘God’ must be proud. “Love thy neighbor”? “Treat as you would be treated”? DID YOU EVEN READ THE GOD DAMN BOOK YOU PREACH BY?!? Because right now, I am doubting it severely. Just know that you are disgusting. The world will not forgive you for your childish, cruel actions.

We can’t just distance ourselves from the negative perceptions. We can’t just get offended by people’s strong condemning language. We can’t make this about “us” and “them”. When you read these kinds of comments, are you really listening? Do you hear God’s whisper through their outrage? What will you do to bridge the gap(s) of perception? How will you represent the person and ministry of Jesus to a generation that has plenty of reasons to justify their cynicism? And how will you extend hospitality to your gay neighbours?

Before you formulate your answer …. I challenge you to consider this post written by Timothy Kincaid. You may disagree with Timothy on many points – but consider what he is saying.

... a new face of conservative Christianity is arising calling for more tolerance and seeking to share a loving God with their gay neighbors, to welcome them and love them rather than loudly condemn them.

And almost without exception, they get it entirely, completely, and miserably wrong.

Then I invite you to reflect on a statement made to me in my earliest days with New Direction by a man who was awarded the order of Canada for his work, as a follower of Jesus, in the arena of social justice. He said, “Wendy, never forget that the ministry of Jesus was never coercive – it was always invitational.” If we actually lived this out, if we actually worked for the shalom of the common good ~ we might make some headway in dismantling the unChristian perceptions of so many of our neighbours.

-WG

Engaging Youth over at freetobeme.com

One of the sites that New Direction hosts is www.freetobeme.com Originally, this site was designed to be a faith neutral site for kids who were asking questions of sexual identity and looking for an alternative to a gay affirming youth site. I’m always amazed that this site far and away gets the most traffic of any of our online connection points. Last year alone there were over 280,000 page views by 66,000 visitors from 181 countries. Just last week I received emails through that site from the U.S., U.K, Lebanon, Iran, and Pakistan. As I think about what is on the site, I know that a lot of the content was developed a good number of years ago. Some of it I like – some of it I’d like to update. I know that some have perceived the site as implying that everyone is just questioning and confused, no one is really gay, and eventually people will end up heterosexual. We know this isn’t the case – and that isn’t the message we intend to imply. But, it’s true that in its current state, the site doesn’t seem to have that much help for the young person who really is persistently attracted to their own gender and may benefit from simply being able to come to terms with this sexual identity.

This sentiment came through in an email I received this morning saying:

“It seems most of your comments steer people away from embracing gay feelings. Perhaps these people looking to you for help are actually gay and you are hurting them with your misdirected advice.”

We always try to listen carefully to our critics – even when we sometimes feel like they’ve made some assumptions about the way we engage with those who contact us. So I thought that since this person didn’t leave a return email address, that in response I’d share another email that came through the site earlier in the week that I had the opportunity to reply to:

“thank god for this website, its incredible and really helpful! thank you!

i'm 16 and i "came out" a few months ago and to be honest i'm more confident, i've got more friends and i'm really enjoying life at the moment! everyone i know, family, friends, everyone at school has accepted it really well and i've had no bad reaction so far. i've had one experience with a guy since but lately i've become really confused!

i believe i've been attracted or at least looked at men my whole life, in films, in the street, guys at school, but it wasn't until i "came out" that this has become sexual but then again i think that sexual attraction has died down since my first experience with a guy! i'm not going to deny that i'm strangely attracted to guys and less so with girls but i do really love girls and want to be with them while usually i just want a hug from a guy! i do honestly believe i'm going to end up with a girl although i have these attractions to guys but my problem now is trying to tell everyone that i'm not gay anymore :S! when people ask and i reply by saying "gay" there is this gut feeling that i’m being stupid and lying!?! whatever i guess i'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens... i just wanted to share some of the things that are going on! thanks”

My response:

Thanks for writing!
You demonstrate a good level of self-awareness in the midst of some of your confusion. It may be very helpful for you, in your own mind, to be willing to live with some uncertainty for now. Confusion in this area of identity development is very normal for a lot of young people. Despite feeling like you want some kind of resolution - the healthiest option may be for you to simply continue to live out your life, with good healthy self-awareness, and experience how your connection with both guys and girls continues to mature and develop in your life. One way of looking at this is to resist jumping to black and white conclusion too quickly. That's one of the challenges with the labels we put on ourselves - sometimes they don't give us a lot of room for the normal fluidity that some people experience - and the label that was meant to be helpful actually becomes restrictive. So even though people expect you to conform to one of the categories of gay or straight .... it might be useful to simply say, "I'm giving myself some space to figure this out - and it might take a while - and I'm ok with that." Being able to be honest and authentic about some uncertainty takes a lot more guts and maturity than pretending to have it all figured out.

What may be very important for you in this season of discovery - is to be clear about what kind of boundaries you will choose for yourself when it comes to sexual involvement. The more you get involved - the more confused you may feel. We'd encourage you to enjoy your friends and build good peer relationships with both guys and girls. But guard your heart a bit - falling in love is a precious thing - but if we give it away too easily or too often - it can become kind of empty and shallow. So - value yourself enough to protect your own heart. In the right time, when you're in the right place in your life for a long-term relationship, you'll know who the right person is to give your heart to.

I really hope that you'll be able to experience great mentoring from someone who can affirm you and encourage you as you keep growing into the man you were meant to be. Regardless of where you land in your sense of sexuality - this kind of affirmation from a mentor can be such a positive and powerful thing in a person's life - not only when we're 16 but as we go through life's journey.

I wish you all the very best. You're a bright young man, with a bright future.

Wendy

His response:

"Hello wendy, thank you so much for your lovely, very helpful reply, I really do appreciate it!

I will take your advice and I will try my best to be the best person I can be no matter what happens in the future :]
All the best and thank you again :]"

New Direction seeks to embody an ethos that is humble, generous and collaborative. If you think you’d like to submit some writing (including but not limited to some of your personal stories) to be considered for posting on the freetobeme.com site …. Send me an email with your thoughts and submissions. We want to keep on making this heavily trafficked site useful and encouraging for youth where-ever they’re at in their journey of sorting out their sexuality and identity.

-WG

Of Bus Ads and Bridge Building

I believe that God has uniquely positioned New Direction to be in a posture of facilitating, catalyzing and informing hospitable, gospel-centered conversations around the intersection of faith and sexuality. And I believe this is important because:
1. It is consistent with the person, ministry and teaching of Jesus.
2. It helps create space for those outside the heterosexual mainstream to explore and grow in relationship with Jesus Christ.
3. It models an authentic way of relating with an often cynical and alienated unchurched generation.

And I do pray that God will continue to give the courage and perseverance that is required to embody gracious and generous spaciousness on a topic that has so often divided, hurt and alienated those for whom this is a very personal and real reality.

I found it somewhat ironic then when I came across a link to an article from today’s Toronto Star. The headline is: “’Does God care if I’m gay?’ ads irk TTC riders”. The problem it seems stems from the campaign of an evangelical ministry called, “Bus Stop Bible Studies”. This ministry places ads on Toronto’s city buses with the intention of getting people to “consider their relationship with God”. Each ad has a question and then a link to a website where an answer is offered.

Apparently, the answer connected to the “Does God Care if I’m Gay?” question has now been taken down off the website – so I don’t know what the full response was. The newspaper article suggests that the longer answer boiled down to this particular statement, “We know from passages throughout Scripture that God hates homosexual acts BUT no more than any other sinful act.”

As one who is familiar with the broader conversation on faith and sexuality in our culture might imagine, this whole exchange prompted complaints coming into Toronto’s Transit Commission – sufficiently so that a review was called for – though at the time of the article a decision had not yet been made whether or not the ads would be pulled.

The quoted response from the ministry on their edited site was, “It has become apparent that, while one is free to ask the question, `Does God care if I’m gay?’ one is not so free to answer the question from a Biblical perspective. It seems that the whole message of God’s justice and grace was being misinterpreted. If anyone was offended by the original narrative we offer our sincerest apologies, this was never the intent."

My fuzzy recollection is that I’ve talked with some folks from Bus Stop Bible Studies at Mission events in the past. I don’t remember specifics, but my impression was that these were sincere people with a passion for evangelism and to get people thinking about their faith. In reading of this particular scenario, I don’t judge the attitudes or question the motives of these fellow Christians.

But I do question why they didn’t consult with a ministry like New Direction before wading into the middle of this kind of public engagement. Now, maybe they did consult with other organizations who have experience in engaging these realities. I don’t know. What I do know, is that we could have been helpful to them in their desire to reach out and connect with gay people. We could have helped them understand the kind of dynamics that would arise with this sincere, but I might suggest under-informed, initiative. We could have had some conversations about how to engage a post-modern, post-Christian, diverse context. They might not have agreed with the insights we could have shared. They might have gone ahead with the ad anyway. But at least they wouldn’t be protesting, as they currently are, that the reaction to the ad has been “blown out of proportion.” Because we could have predicted the kind of response they’ve received. And we could have asked the tough questions about whether these were the outcomes that they were really shooting for …. And whether or not this initiative, and the predictable response to it, is really helpful in advancing a gospel informed mission connection with our gay neighbours.

As it is, they didn’t talk to us. And today we have more Torontonians shaking their head, annoyed and frustrated by a religion that they feel is arrogant and smug in its certainty - not to mention completely 'out to lunch' on this issue. And those Torontonians may never make it to this blog. And they may never know of the kind of conversations that do happen around questions of faith and sexuality. And, if I’m honest, I feel like today’s Toronto Star article puts us yet another step backward in bridge-building efforts.

It would seem that our commitment to engage in bridge-building is as relevant as ever. We have plenty of work to do.

-WG