Here is the third installment of the Q &A with Shane & Wendy:
W: What insights would you share with Christians who perhaps have little experience with relating interpersonally with gay people?
S: I think most of what I would have to say applies to relating to all people whether they are gay or not and whether they are Christian or not.
My first point would be authenticity. Relate to people honestly and openly. Share about yourself personally including your joys, your pains, your questions about life, your doubts, your certainties, etc. Your faith is a part of who you are so share about it openly as well. Learn to talk about your faith in natural language. I think Christians hide behind language at times not knowing what the words actually mean. Talking about your faith without church words will actually help you to understand what you really believe and how you actually view the world.
Be willing to share questions and doubts that you have. Share the things that you are wrestling with. Share your own failures as well. Be honest that you don't have all the answers. Talk about ways that you have changed your views in the past.
The person you are relating to may have been hurt by the church or by Christians. Be willing to talk about that openly. Listen to the person and try first to understand the other person's pain. Share ways that you have been hurt by other Christians. Share how you dealt with that pain. Share how you deal with disappointment with Christians and with God.
My second point would be love. Actually it probably should have been my first point, but I didn't want to seem cliche since all Christian articles start with love. :) The motivation behind everything that we do should be love. We should always desire the best for the other person. That doesn't mean always saying sugar-coated things or never confronting a person about something difficult. I think truly loving someone means having difficult conversations at times. It may even mean that you will be confronted and will have to apologize for your ways.
We should seek more to understand rather than be understood. I think if I remember correctly this is one of Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I believe this principle is an application of the Christian idea of putting others ahead of ourselves. It may mean in the end that we disagree with the other person but at least we will understand their point of view and not what we think it their point of view.
Loving someone means entering into their pain. All people have pain in their lives. It might involve broken relationships. It might be physical challenges related to school, work, money, housing, etc. It might be personal issues like loneliness, addiction or fear. It doesn't mean that you have to try to solve all their problems but it means being with them in the challenges they are facing.
I know that I have been thinking about the question most from the personal side of things. I am someone who definitely thinks relationally. So even when I try to think about ND as an organization my thoughts usually go back to individual relationships. I hope that ND would be an authentic organization. One that operates openly and honestly. I also hope that the motivation behind the things ND does is love. That ultimately they are seeking people's good.
W: In what ways do you think we can be a welcoming and hospitable place for those who do not identify with the Christian faith but who may have history with the Christian community and / or ex-gay ministry?
S: It can be frustrating to meet someone and be evaluated by categories we fall into. People have boxes with labels such as Canadian, Christian, gay, math teacher, husband... These are all categories that I fit into. Usually a person has a preconceived idea what a person from a certain category is like. These notions are based on their experiences (be they real or vicarious) with others from these categories.
Thus when another person finds out that we are a Christian they will have associations of what a Christian is like. New Direction used to be an ex-gay ministry and therefore people will have preconceived ideas about what this organization is like or how it operates.
I think the first thing we have to do is to accept the other person's experiences for what they are. If the person has been hurt by the church then it does no good to downplay or explain away their pain. Honest conversation can really clear the air. Sometimes we may need to acknowledge our own role in the pain they have experienced and ask for their forgiveness.
From there I seek to break the person's stereotypes or preconceived notions. I must admit that I love to surprise people by breaking out of categories that they have put me in. I think Jesus often did that. It was one of the reasons the Pharisees got upset with him so often.
Another thing I try to do is to find ways to show support or solidarity with that person. Someone may not agree with my marriage to Dave but it sure means a lot to me if that person would still be willing to help us with moving into our new apartment. New Direction may not be in favour of same-sex marriage but they could take a role in anti-bullying policy in schools.
I would hope that our interactions would always be marked by honesty and authenticity. No one wants to be someone else's project. We open our hearts to someone else and hope that in return they will open theirs.
Thanks so much Shane for sharing your thoughts!
-WG
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Bridging Conversation - Part 2
To continue my conversation with Shane .....
W: What do you think is useful about attempts to bridge the gap and nurture safe and spacious places where sexual minorities can explore and grow in faith in Jesus Christ?
S: I want to begin my answer by reflecting on the phrase "to bridge the gap." This phrase implies that there are two groups of people, the gay community and the Christian community and that these groups are distinct. The implication is that there is no intersection between these two groups. Maybe that's not what intended but that's the way it feels to me. Even the subtitle to this blog which is "conversations about befriending our gay neighbours" has the implication to me that the "our" refers to Christians and that we the Christians want to connect with the gay neighbours who are not part of us.
I know there are some people who believe that it is impossible to be gay and Christian. Usually these people use the word "gay" to mean much more than gay people use it to mean. To me the word "gay" simply means someone who is sexually attracted to the same sex. It does not imply at all what you will do with those attractions. Maybe you will never act on these attractions or maybe you will. I'm pretty sure that most gay people will use the word gay in this way.
If we agree on this definition of the word "gay" then there will be gay Christians. It's not the case that a person who is a Christian immediately stops being a Christian the moment he or she realizes that they are attracted to the same sex. And it is not the case that the moment a gay person decides to follow Jesus that their attractions to the same sex instantaneously disappear. Thus there will be people who are trying to follow Jesus who experience attractions to the same sex. There will be gay Christians.
No matter what a church believes or teaches about sexuality it is most likely that there will be gay people in it. I myself grew up in a conservative church and I have met other gay people who grew up in churches that were far more conservative than mine. Preaching against homosexuality will not prevent youth in that church from experiencing same sex attraction.
Add to this the fact that being gay is not a choice. I suppose there are some who may choose to experiment sexually but I have never met a person who made the choice to have same sex attractions.
Therefore a young person may discover that they have attractions to someone of the same sex. These attractions are not something they chose and now they realize that the term gay may apply to them. They have been told repeatedly that there is no such thing as a gay Christian. Therefore they feel that if they want to remain a Christian they have to make these attractions go away. I myself went down this path. I read books, went to counselling, underwent deliverance ministry, prayed prayers, made deals with God, and analyzed my relationships with my parents and others. But in the end I still had attractions to men. When these methods are unsuccessful at making same-sex attractions go away the person then feels trapped. They have these attractions that they didn't choose and they can't get rid of. They are still stuck with the message that there is no such thing as a gay Christian and since they can't unchoose the gay part of themselves they decide the only way to make peace is to unchoose the Christian part of themselves. They walk away from God and the church. I know at one point I was tempted to go down that path.
But I was glad that I had friends, connections, a counsellor and a pastor that provided safe spaces for me to ask questions. It was OK for me to honestly admit that I did have attractions to men. I did a lot of reading and praying on my own and with these supports. I earnestly sought God and his direction.
My faith in God survived because of the safe and gracious spaces that I found. I know that a lot of gay people aren't this privileged and in the end they feel driven out of the church. This makes me sad and angry at times. I long for people to experience the same freedom that I felt in exploring my questions. I long for them to have places where they can truly approach God with their gut-wrenching fears and questions.
This question has definitely been harder for me to answer. These are some of my initial thoughts. Let me know what you think.
W: I share a lot of your concerns about language and the ways it might be interpreted. In fact, in our new mission and vision statements, we don't refer to bridging the gap at all because it seems to be language that is quickly taking on unhelpful baggage. It has never been our intention to perpetuate the sense of polarity between two distinct communities as if there were rigid boundaries and no intermingling. The caricature of rigid lines not only gives way in light of the reality of gay Christians, but also with the support of gay affirming straight Christian allies. While I'm not ready to toss out the idea of bridging the multiple gaps that the arise at the intersection of faith and sexuality, I do find it challenging to communicate this with the generosity that I would intend and want to foster.
For example, there are gaps between affirming straight allies and other straight Christians who want to be loving and supportive but theologically don't feel they can fully embrace affirming gay relationships. Sometimes there are a lot of assumptions that fly back and forth when in reality there is a lot more common ground and points of connection than our fears or judgments sometimes allow us to see. There are also great gaps between those embroiled in ecclesiastical issues related to church polity and those who are focused very personally and relationally. The suspicions and misunderstandings can abound and bridging is greatly needed. So while a phrase like "bridge the gap" can seem to imply one bridge over one gap between gay people and Christians, in the reality of our engagement it is much more nuanced and complex than that.
I was just presenting to a group of pastors the other week. A big part of our time ended up on this question of language and in particular the use of the word gay. Their starting point was the assumption that if a person identifies as gay they are communicating that they are sexually active. As I tried to deconstruct this with them and reinforce the common understanding that when a person says they are gay all they are really telling you is that they experience same-sex attraction .... they aren't telling you anything about their theology, their politics or their sexual behavior or relationships .... I ran into a big brick wall. Part of this brick wall was the pastors protesting a desire to 'protect' the gay individual from the assumptions and misunderstandings of their congregations - who would also assume that the individual was a "practising homosexual". (To which I always ask them if they are a "practising" heterosexual....). When I attempted to confront this by challenging their hesitancy, at best, resistance, at worst, to simply take the opportunity to educate themselves and their congregation on the common use of the word gay .... they then claimed a capitulation to the "world's standards". To which I again challenged their unawareness of the influence of their dominant majority privileged status in their resistance to taking some simple steps to educate and nurture a safe place where a same-sex attracted person can simply and easily be honest and authentic about their reality. This then opened a whole other conversation about my use of words like "reality" and "experience" which are value neutral when the pastors felt that I should be using words like "struggle", "temptation", "sinful nature".
This led to my attempt to describe the experience of same-sex attraction as much more than just a sexual attraction but as a kind of lens through which someone views the world of people and relationships. That it is a kind of lens that impacts much more then a reductionistic notion of sexuality - but impacts a holistic sense of sexuality that includes our creativity, our humour, our sensitivities, our emotions, our spiritual inclinations etc. This was quite a significant paradigm shift for these pastors - and some were open and wrestling to get their brain around some of these new and different ideas .... others were quite resistant and simply reverted back to their own lens, oblivious to the implications of never having to really think about the ways their sexuality influences and impacts their day-to-day life far beyond what happens in their bedrooms. I tried to describe to them the implication of an individual being told that this kind of intrinsic part of them needed to be labeled a struggle .... and how staggering that is to be able to live in the reality of God's grace and spaciousness when you're saddled with this overarching description of 'struggle' .... but from several of the pastors I got a fairly canned response about how we all struggle with our sinful nature, that all of us struggle every day. And I had the distinct impression that they were unable or unwilling to really enter that place of identification with their gay brother or sister.
Yes, we all have a sinful nature. But, we are all also glorious reflections of the image of God. How can the gaps in these pastors' understanding help them to interact pastorally with their congregants who are same-sex attracted in such a way that they are released into the beauty and freedom of living as an image-bearer of God without crippling shame or fear? In this particular case, I had only one, rather unsatisfactory hour with this group. In one short hour you can try to raise some of these critical questions - but inevitably feel like you leave having opened Pandora's box without folks really being able to enter into the reality of the issues. None-the-less, I have to trust that God will continue to speak, reveal and challenge these pastors so that they can take some concrete steps to be more hospitable, humble and helpful in their pastoral interactions with gay people.
Shane, a follow-up question for you then ..... You grew up in a church pastored by someone who perhaps wasn't so different than some of the pastors I interacted with that day. Do you think it is useful to try to have conversations with these kinds of leaders? As you probably know, leaders like myself, can take heat for not positioning ourselves on either pole: affirming or not-affirming. The reality is, we feel God is calling us to interact across the diverse spectrum of where people are at in terms of their theological positions and personal relationship choices. If our position might prevent us from being able to meet people where they're at, then my posture is to not make it about our position but to make it about our availability to connect with people and to identify with and understand people across the diverse spectrum. To me, this is part of being a peace-maker ..... someone willing to wade into the reality of diversity and tension - hopefully without alienating people. All of us have something to contribute and all of us need deeper reconciliation across this conflict saturated topic. We want to serve in the midst of that and draw out the gifts people offer ..... and nurture the reconciliation that can yet be experienced. And we believe this is consistent with the heart of God. Comments?
S: I think it is useful to have conversations with these kinds of leaders as long as there is some openness in them to learn. I have had many e-mail conversations with people about sexuality. Most of these are with people who would disagree with my relationship with David. I am very willing to engage these people and I have prayed that God would speak to me through these conversations. Usually in the beginning there is give-and-take. We clarify stereotypes that the other may have. We clarify the use of words. We find areas where we agree and disagree. We refine one another's ideas which is a process which I believe leads to truth. However in most of these conversations I find that we reach a point where conversation is no longer helpful. Questions are no longer being asked and usually judgment is pronounced. At that point I usually bow out of the conversation saying that the best thing we can do is pray for each other, pray that God will open our ears, soften our hearts and give us the courage to follow his leading however he leads.
Therefore if a person has already decided right from the start that they know everything they want to know about gay people and that they have no interest at all in learning how to communicate better with gay people then I doubt that the conversation will be helpful.
W: Shane, I can almost hear the weariness in your voice when you speak about many conversations and coming to the point of needing to bow out because of your sense that judgments were being pronounced. Having had lots of such conversations over the years, though not from as personal a vantage point as for you, I can absolutely relate to how exhausting this can become.
What a difference it is when you encounter someone who has the stability, security, curiosity, and humility to truly journey with someone through difference with the assurance that mutual learning and growth will happen along the way. I just received an email yesterday from an individual who was connected with New Direction more than ten years ago. That person shared about the incredible growth they've experienced over the years. They said, "My faith would have been very narrow and excluded a lot of people. This experience has revolutionized my life and expression of faith. Even people at work talk about how much I have changed. I have more loving relationships with those around me. I have learned not to "other" people. It has been a painful process, and I have felt utterly alone in it all at times, totally confused and unsure about anything. The only thing I hung on to was that God loved me."
The willingness to journey in such a way .... allowing God to stretch us, challenge us, strip us of our certainties, arrogance and pride .... this is the willingness that invites maturity and enlarges in us the capacity to truly embody the grace and invitation of Christ.
Thanks again Shane for sharing your thoughts and insights with us. I look forward to Part 3.
-WG
W: What do you think is useful about attempts to bridge the gap and nurture safe and spacious places where sexual minorities can explore and grow in faith in Jesus Christ?
S: I want to begin my answer by reflecting on the phrase "to bridge the gap." This phrase implies that there are two groups of people, the gay community and the Christian community and that these groups are distinct. The implication is that there is no intersection between these two groups. Maybe that's not what intended but that's the way it feels to me. Even the subtitle to this blog which is "conversations about befriending our gay neighbours" has the implication to me that the "our" refers to Christians and that we the Christians want to connect with the gay neighbours who are not part of us.
I know there are some people who believe that it is impossible to be gay and Christian. Usually these people use the word "gay" to mean much more than gay people use it to mean. To me the word "gay" simply means someone who is sexually attracted to the same sex. It does not imply at all what you will do with those attractions. Maybe you will never act on these attractions or maybe you will. I'm pretty sure that most gay people will use the word gay in this way.
If we agree on this definition of the word "gay" then there will be gay Christians. It's not the case that a person who is a Christian immediately stops being a Christian the moment he or she realizes that they are attracted to the same sex. And it is not the case that the moment a gay person decides to follow Jesus that their attractions to the same sex instantaneously disappear. Thus there will be people who are trying to follow Jesus who experience attractions to the same sex. There will be gay Christians.
No matter what a church believes or teaches about sexuality it is most likely that there will be gay people in it. I myself grew up in a conservative church and I have met other gay people who grew up in churches that were far more conservative than mine. Preaching against homosexuality will not prevent youth in that church from experiencing same sex attraction.
Add to this the fact that being gay is not a choice. I suppose there are some who may choose to experiment sexually but I have never met a person who made the choice to have same sex attractions.
Therefore a young person may discover that they have attractions to someone of the same sex. These attractions are not something they chose and now they realize that the term gay may apply to them. They have been told repeatedly that there is no such thing as a gay Christian. Therefore they feel that if they want to remain a Christian they have to make these attractions go away. I myself went down this path. I read books, went to counselling, underwent deliverance ministry, prayed prayers, made deals with God, and analyzed my relationships with my parents and others. But in the end I still had attractions to men. When these methods are unsuccessful at making same-sex attractions go away the person then feels trapped. They have these attractions that they didn't choose and they can't get rid of. They are still stuck with the message that there is no such thing as a gay Christian and since they can't unchoose the gay part of themselves they decide the only way to make peace is to unchoose the Christian part of themselves. They walk away from God and the church. I know at one point I was tempted to go down that path.
But I was glad that I had friends, connections, a counsellor and a pastor that provided safe spaces for me to ask questions. It was OK for me to honestly admit that I did have attractions to men. I did a lot of reading and praying on my own and with these supports. I earnestly sought God and his direction.
My faith in God survived because of the safe and gracious spaces that I found. I know that a lot of gay people aren't this privileged and in the end they feel driven out of the church. This makes me sad and angry at times. I long for people to experience the same freedom that I felt in exploring my questions. I long for them to have places where they can truly approach God with their gut-wrenching fears and questions.
This question has definitely been harder for me to answer. These are some of my initial thoughts. Let me know what you think.
W: I share a lot of your concerns about language and the ways it might be interpreted. In fact, in our new mission and vision statements, we don't refer to bridging the gap at all because it seems to be language that is quickly taking on unhelpful baggage. It has never been our intention to perpetuate the sense of polarity between two distinct communities as if there were rigid boundaries and no intermingling. The caricature of rigid lines not only gives way in light of the reality of gay Christians, but also with the support of gay affirming straight Christian allies. While I'm not ready to toss out the idea of bridging the multiple gaps that the arise at the intersection of faith and sexuality, I do find it challenging to communicate this with the generosity that I would intend and want to foster.
For example, there are gaps between affirming straight allies and other straight Christians who want to be loving and supportive but theologically don't feel they can fully embrace affirming gay relationships. Sometimes there are a lot of assumptions that fly back and forth when in reality there is a lot more common ground and points of connection than our fears or judgments sometimes allow us to see. There are also great gaps between those embroiled in ecclesiastical issues related to church polity and those who are focused very personally and relationally. The suspicions and misunderstandings can abound and bridging is greatly needed. So while a phrase like "bridge the gap" can seem to imply one bridge over one gap between gay people and Christians, in the reality of our engagement it is much more nuanced and complex than that.
I was just presenting to a group of pastors the other week. A big part of our time ended up on this question of language and in particular the use of the word gay. Their starting point was the assumption that if a person identifies as gay they are communicating that they are sexually active. As I tried to deconstruct this with them and reinforce the common understanding that when a person says they are gay all they are really telling you is that they experience same-sex attraction .... they aren't telling you anything about their theology, their politics or their sexual behavior or relationships .... I ran into a big brick wall. Part of this brick wall was the pastors protesting a desire to 'protect' the gay individual from the assumptions and misunderstandings of their congregations - who would also assume that the individual was a "practising homosexual". (To which I always ask them if they are a "practising" heterosexual....). When I attempted to confront this by challenging their hesitancy, at best, resistance, at worst, to simply take the opportunity to educate themselves and their congregation on the common use of the word gay .... they then claimed a capitulation to the "world's standards". To which I again challenged their unawareness of the influence of their dominant majority privileged status in their resistance to taking some simple steps to educate and nurture a safe place where a same-sex attracted person can simply and easily be honest and authentic about their reality. This then opened a whole other conversation about my use of words like "reality" and "experience" which are value neutral when the pastors felt that I should be using words like "struggle", "temptation", "sinful nature".
This led to my attempt to describe the experience of same-sex attraction as much more than just a sexual attraction but as a kind of lens through which someone views the world of people and relationships. That it is a kind of lens that impacts much more then a reductionistic notion of sexuality - but impacts a holistic sense of sexuality that includes our creativity, our humour, our sensitivities, our emotions, our spiritual inclinations etc. This was quite a significant paradigm shift for these pastors - and some were open and wrestling to get their brain around some of these new and different ideas .... others were quite resistant and simply reverted back to their own lens, oblivious to the implications of never having to really think about the ways their sexuality influences and impacts their day-to-day life far beyond what happens in their bedrooms. I tried to describe to them the implication of an individual being told that this kind of intrinsic part of them needed to be labeled a struggle .... and how staggering that is to be able to live in the reality of God's grace and spaciousness when you're saddled with this overarching description of 'struggle' .... but from several of the pastors I got a fairly canned response about how we all struggle with our sinful nature, that all of us struggle every day. And I had the distinct impression that they were unable or unwilling to really enter that place of identification with their gay brother or sister.
Yes, we all have a sinful nature. But, we are all also glorious reflections of the image of God. How can the gaps in these pastors' understanding help them to interact pastorally with their congregants who are same-sex attracted in such a way that they are released into the beauty and freedom of living as an image-bearer of God without crippling shame or fear? In this particular case, I had only one, rather unsatisfactory hour with this group. In one short hour you can try to raise some of these critical questions - but inevitably feel like you leave having opened Pandora's box without folks really being able to enter into the reality of the issues. None-the-less, I have to trust that God will continue to speak, reveal and challenge these pastors so that they can take some concrete steps to be more hospitable, humble and helpful in their pastoral interactions with gay people.
Shane, a follow-up question for you then ..... You grew up in a church pastored by someone who perhaps wasn't so different than some of the pastors I interacted with that day. Do you think it is useful to try to have conversations with these kinds of leaders? As you probably know, leaders like myself, can take heat for not positioning ourselves on either pole: affirming or not-affirming. The reality is, we feel God is calling us to interact across the diverse spectrum of where people are at in terms of their theological positions and personal relationship choices. If our position might prevent us from being able to meet people where they're at, then my posture is to not make it about our position but to make it about our availability to connect with people and to identify with and understand people across the diverse spectrum. To me, this is part of being a peace-maker ..... someone willing to wade into the reality of diversity and tension - hopefully without alienating people. All of us have something to contribute and all of us need deeper reconciliation across this conflict saturated topic. We want to serve in the midst of that and draw out the gifts people offer ..... and nurture the reconciliation that can yet be experienced. And we believe this is consistent with the heart of God. Comments?
S: I think it is useful to have conversations with these kinds of leaders as long as there is some openness in them to learn. I have had many e-mail conversations with people about sexuality. Most of these are with people who would disagree with my relationship with David. I am very willing to engage these people and I have prayed that God would speak to me through these conversations. Usually in the beginning there is give-and-take. We clarify stereotypes that the other may have. We clarify the use of words. We find areas where we agree and disagree. We refine one another's ideas which is a process which I believe leads to truth. However in most of these conversations I find that we reach a point where conversation is no longer helpful. Questions are no longer being asked and usually judgment is pronounced. At that point I usually bow out of the conversation saying that the best thing we can do is pray for each other, pray that God will open our ears, soften our hearts and give us the courage to follow his leading however he leads.
Therefore if a person has already decided right from the start that they know everything they want to know about gay people and that they have no interest at all in learning how to communicate better with gay people then I doubt that the conversation will be helpful.
W: Shane, I can almost hear the weariness in your voice when you speak about many conversations and coming to the point of needing to bow out because of your sense that judgments were being pronounced. Having had lots of such conversations over the years, though not from as personal a vantage point as for you, I can absolutely relate to how exhausting this can become.
What a difference it is when you encounter someone who has the stability, security, curiosity, and humility to truly journey with someone through difference with the assurance that mutual learning and growth will happen along the way. I just received an email yesterday from an individual who was connected with New Direction more than ten years ago. That person shared about the incredible growth they've experienced over the years. They said, "My faith would have been very narrow and excluded a lot of people. This experience has revolutionized my life and expression of faith. Even people at work talk about how much I have changed. I have more loving relationships with those around me. I have learned not to "other" people. It has been a painful process, and I have felt utterly alone in it all at times, totally confused and unsure about anything. The only thing I hung on to was that God loved me."
The willingness to journey in such a way .... allowing God to stretch us, challenge us, strip us of our certainties, arrogance and pride .... this is the willingness that invites maturity and enlarges in us the capacity to truly embody the grace and invitation of Christ.
Thanks again Shane for sharing your thoughts and insights with us. I look forward to Part 3.
-WG
Friday, September 24, 2010
A Bridging Conversation
I have had some wonderful and challenging conversations this week. That's the way it is with relational engagement. Some weeks are very full with coffee connections, in office-sessions, phone and email contact - but it is generally unpredictable how much time I'll commit to nurturing such conversations. When I'm busy connecting with people, things like the blog go to the back burner. But, in one of my connections this week, we had the bright idea of sharing some of our conversation with those who peruse BTG. Sort of killing two birds with one stone so-to-speak.
Shane is someone I am still getting to know but have really enjoyed his generous space in enagaging the diversity that inevitably is encountered in the Christian community when faith and sexuality intersect. I asked him a couple of questions and thought that our readers would find his responses really interesting.
W: Can you tell me a bit about your experiences with New Direction in the past - both the far away past and not so distant past?
S: If I remember correctly I originally contacted New Direction sometime in 1996 (I think it was summer.) I was in second-year university and earlier that year I had come out for the very first time to one of my friends as being someone who experienced same-sex attraction. My approach at that time was definitely that my sexuality was somehow broken and needed to be fixed. I had read some books that introduced me to the idea that I was gay because I had a distant father and an overbearing mother. I also read about the idea that my attractions to men were a sexualization of the desires I had to be more masculine. These ideas resonated with me because although I didn't have an overbearing mother I did have a distant father. I also grew up in rural Ontario and I was definitely not a rough-and-tumble farm boy. I was a kid who liked to read books and play the piano. So I was eager to connect with a ministry that would help me to get rid of these unwanted attractions that I had. I met with one of the New Direction staff. I remember being very nervous and it was scary to bare my soul to this person whom I didn't really know. I was warned in advance that this person was not a counsellor and that these were not counselling sessions. Unfortunately this individual was very overworked and it was clear that he had too much on his plate. He had trouble remembering from one meeting to the next what we had actually talked about, which was disconcerting because I had shared what I considered to be the most personal information about myself. We only met a few times and I realized that these meetings were not helpful. I was eager to join some sort of support group but at that time I think the only group that met was in Toronto.
Fast-forward to the fall of 2007. By that time I had much earlier reached the conclusion that my attractions to men were not going away. For a few years I had simply assumed that I would be single for life. I had thrown myself into ministry, working full-time for a Christian organization in a cross-cultural context. However at times I felt really lonely and so I decided to try dating women. I had two relationships that lasted about half a year each and both times I broke it off because I felt like I was leading the women on. I felt like a monster. I knew that I was not going to go down that road again. During a one-year sabbatical from overseas ministry I knew I would have more time for personal reflection. I was determined to find answers to the questions that I had about my sexuality. I heard that there were people who were gay and Christian. How did they reconcile their faith and sexuality? Because I didn't know where else to turn I thought I would contact New Direction again. This time I was connected with a New Direction staff member who did have a background in counselling. He was a great listener and I really appreciated his honesty. He told me that he didn't have all the answers and he was honest about his own doubts. We had many good conversations and I think I grilled him pretty hard about the questions I was having. I was especially curious to meet others who gay and Christian so that I could hear their stories. So he recommended that I check out an online community called the Gay Christian Network (GCN). GCN was a great place for me to discuss my questions with people who held a wide variety of opinions. Through discussions with people on GCN, my friends, my pastor, my counsellor and others and through my own personal reading and reflection I ended up arriving in the place where I do believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Along the way I left the Christian ministry I was working for and came out to my family. Soon after this I met Dave who is now my husband.
My experience with New Direction the second time was markedly different. This was partly because I was in a much different space. I had rejected a lot of ex-gay ideas because they just didn't match up with my own experience. The questions I was asking the second time were a lot more about integration of faith and sexuality rather than about changing my sexual orientation. I believe my recent interactions with New Direction were marked much more by authenticity. I wasn't being convinced to think a certain way. I was given a place to voice my questions and to find answers for myself.
I know that New Direction has been accused by the Christian organization where I used to work of telling me that same-sex relationships were OK. This was not the case. The staff member was honest about his own views and they were that God does not bless same-sex relationships. However he treated me and my questions with respect. Even later when I landed on the other end of the spectrum I was still treated with grace and respect. I am actually very intrigued by the conversations that New Direction continues to be a part of. Through my own journey I know that there are no simple answers to the questions about faith and sexuality. I have my own doubts about the decisions I have made. I still have many friends who disagree with my choice to marry a man. But I hope that we can still treat each other with love, grace and respect.
W: I understand that you have married your partner Dave - whom I have yet to meet. Where you've landed is a distinct place on the spectrum. Why would you be willing / interested in contributing to a conversation that acknowledges different perspectives and welcomes participants who would be very opposed to your relationship with Dave?
S: I have wrestled with questions about sexuality long enough to know that there are no simple answers. I don't believe I have ever found a book about faith and sexuality that I totally agree with. However in many of these books I have found ideas that have shaped my beliefs. I also know that I have people who have modelled the Christian life for me, who have been Christ to me, who disagree with my choices to be in relationship with Dave. And yet I have met gay Christians who inspire me to follow God more wholeheartedly.
I know that in life I have learned a lot from people who disagree with me. I have worked as a university lecturer and a campus minister and I know that much fruit is born out of healthy discussion where opposing views are presented.
A key value of mine is authenticity. I strive to live my life openly and honestly. I seek to freely communicate my ideas including my doubts and even the places where I have been wrong. Therefore I generally seek out people who are authentic. People who are honest about what they believe and are willing to share the areas where they have questions. For example, one of the values of the church I attend is exploration which is described as in the following way. "As a community, we celebrate the journey of faith. Although we are a place of non-judgment, we challenge one another to be stronger people in our walks with God and through life. We uphold biblical principles in our daily lives. We encourage each other to challenge our own preconceptions and value knowing why we believe what we believe. We prefer to explore the questions of faith rather than provide packaged answers; ultimately knowing that each individual is responsible to God." I believe that we are all on a journey. I believe we all need to authentically follow our own convictions.
In addition to authenticity, another value I have is that of love and respect. I believe that God calls us to love everyone, including those that disagree with us. Therefore the discussions that we have should be marked by love and respect. We need to be able to share our beliefs "with gentleness and respect." Name-calling and demonizing are not helpful. Not everyone who is gay is promiscuous and not everyone who disagrees with same-sex relationships is a homophobe.
I do believe in absolute truth. I just don't think that any of us has all of the truth. Therefore we need each other to sharpen our ideas. We need to hold our own ideas loosely realizing that we could be wrong. I pray that God will guide us as we seek him together.
Thanks Shane for your willingness to share your thoughts.
-WG
Shane is someone I am still getting to know but have really enjoyed his generous space in enagaging the diversity that inevitably is encountered in the Christian community when faith and sexuality intersect. I asked him a couple of questions and thought that our readers would find his responses really interesting.
W: Can you tell me a bit about your experiences with New Direction in the past - both the far away past and not so distant past?
S: If I remember correctly I originally contacted New Direction sometime in 1996 (I think it was summer.) I was in second-year university and earlier that year I had come out for the very first time to one of my friends as being someone who experienced same-sex attraction. My approach at that time was definitely that my sexuality was somehow broken and needed to be fixed. I had read some books that introduced me to the idea that I was gay because I had a distant father and an overbearing mother. I also read about the idea that my attractions to men were a sexualization of the desires I had to be more masculine. These ideas resonated with me because although I didn't have an overbearing mother I did have a distant father. I also grew up in rural Ontario and I was definitely not a rough-and-tumble farm boy. I was a kid who liked to read books and play the piano. So I was eager to connect with a ministry that would help me to get rid of these unwanted attractions that I had. I met with one of the New Direction staff. I remember being very nervous and it was scary to bare my soul to this person whom I didn't really know. I was warned in advance that this person was not a counsellor and that these were not counselling sessions. Unfortunately this individual was very overworked and it was clear that he had too much on his plate. He had trouble remembering from one meeting to the next what we had actually talked about, which was disconcerting because I had shared what I considered to be the most personal information about myself. We only met a few times and I realized that these meetings were not helpful. I was eager to join some sort of support group but at that time I think the only group that met was in Toronto.
Fast-forward to the fall of 2007. By that time I had much earlier reached the conclusion that my attractions to men were not going away. For a few years I had simply assumed that I would be single for life. I had thrown myself into ministry, working full-time for a Christian organization in a cross-cultural context. However at times I felt really lonely and so I decided to try dating women. I had two relationships that lasted about half a year each and both times I broke it off because I felt like I was leading the women on. I felt like a monster. I knew that I was not going to go down that road again. During a one-year sabbatical from overseas ministry I knew I would have more time for personal reflection. I was determined to find answers to the questions that I had about my sexuality. I heard that there were people who were gay and Christian. How did they reconcile their faith and sexuality? Because I didn't know where else to turn I thought I would contact New Direction again. This time I was connected with a New Direction staff member who did have a background in counselling. He was a great listener and I really appreciated his honesty. He told me that he didn't have all the answers and he was honest about his own doubts. We had many good conversations and I think I grilled him pretty hard about the questions I was having. I was especially curious to meet others who gay and Christian so that I could hear their stories. So he recommended that I check out an online community called the Gay Christian Network (GCN). GCN was a great place for me to discuss my questions with people who held a wide variety of opinions. Through discussions with people on GCN, my friends, my pastor, my counsellor and others and through my own personal reading and reflection I ended up arriving in the place where I do believe that God blesses same-sex relationships. Along the way I left the Christian ministry I was working for and came out to my family. Soon after this I met Dave who is now my husband.
My experience with New Direction the second time was markedly different. This was partly because I was in a much different space. I had rejected a lot of ex-gay ideas because they just didn't match up with my own experience. The questions I was asking the second time were a lot more about integration of faith and sexuality rather than about changing my sexual orientation. I believe my recent interactions with New Direction were marked much more by authenticity. I wasn't being convinced to think a certain way. I was given a place to voice my questions and to find answers for myself.
I know that New Direction has been accused by the Christian organization where I used to work of telling me that same-sex relationships were OK. This was not the case. The staff member was honest about his own views and they were that God does not bless same-sex relationships. However he treated me and my questions with respect. Even later when I landed on the other end of the spectrum I was still treated with grace and respect. I am actually very intrigued by the conversations that New Direction continues to be a part of. Through my own journey I know that there are no simple answers to the questions about faith and sexuality. I have my own doubts about the decisions I have made. I still have many friends who disagree with my choice to marry a man. But I hope that we can still treat each other with love, grace and respect.
W: I understand that you have married your partner Dave - whom I have yet to meet. Where you've landed is a distinct place on the spectrum. Why would you be willing / interested in contributing to a conversation that acknowledges different perspectives and welcomes participants who would be very opposed to your relationship with Dave?
S: I have wrestled with questions about sexuality long enough to know that there are no simple answers. I don't believe I have ever found a book about faith and sexuality that I totally agree with. However in many of these books I have found ideas that have shaped my beliefs. I also know that I have people who have modelled the Christian life for me, who have been Christ to me, who disagree with my choices to be in relationship with Dave. And yet I have met gay Christians who inspire me to follow God more wholeheartedly.
I know that in life I have learned a lot from people who disagree with me. I have worked as a university lecturer and a campus minister and I know that much fruit is born out of healthy discussion where opposing views are presented.
A key value of mine is authenticity. I strive to live my life openly and honestly. I seek to freely communicate my ideas including my doubts and even the places where I have been wrong. Therefore I generally seek out people who are authentic. People who are honest about what they believe and are willing to share the areas where they have questions. For example, one of the values of the church I attend is exploration which is described as in the following way. "As a community, we celebrate the journey of faith. Although we are a place of non-judgment, we challenge one another to be stronger people in our walks with God and through life. We uphold biblical principles in our daily lives. We encourage each other to challenge our own preconceptions and value knowing why we believe what we believe. We prefer to explore the questions of faith rather than provide packaged answers; ultimately knowing that each individual is responsible to God." I believe that we are all on a journey. I believe we all need to authentically follow our own convictions.
In addition to authenticity, another value I have is that of love and respect. I believe that God calls us to love everyone, including those that disagree with us. Therefore the discussions that we have should be marked by love and respect. We need to be able to share our beliefs "with gentleness and respect." Name-calling and demonizing are not helpful. Not everyone who is gay is promiscuous and not everyone who disagrees with same-sex relationships is a homophobe.
I do believe in absolute truth. I just don't think that any of us has all of the truth. Therefore we need each other to sharpen our ideas. We need to hold our own ideas loosely realizing that we could be wrong. I pray that God will guide us as we seek him together.
Thanks Shane for your willingness to share your thoughts.
-WG
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