“I could sympathize with each person…and yet…what was missing? Was it the environment that the movie was played in? Was it the people in the audience? Was it the facilitator? Was it just because I was at a different place that it somehow, felt hopeless and sad? Was it because at the end…there really was no hope? They had found hope in embracing their gay and lesbian identity, but is that hope? I wondered and began to ponder? Are we cheapening grace when we welcome people to stay in their captivity? I realize that someone who is identified as a Christian gay or lesbian no longer views themselves as being held in captivity but, as someone who holds a traditional Biblical Sexual Ethic does this make me unloving and unkind to say they are still in captivity? Jesus loved radically. I heard many times this week that Jesus walked in the market place, he ate with tax collectors, prostitutes…the down and out…those called ‘sinners’, if we use that analogy when we talk about Christian gay and lesbian people we are placing them in the same category as those called ‘sinners’, and Jesus never ate and walked with people so they could stay in the same place in their sin…he walked with them so they could rise out of that and live in the fullness of who He had desired for them from the beginning. We cheapen Jesus’ love when we water down truth. Jesus isn’t this hippy love guru, who said only nice lovely things about love…and only challenged the religious leaders. He challenged all of us. He does not define us by our unmet needs, our brokenness, or even the ways we label ourselves in sin. He calls us out of that, into generous spaciousness with wonderful, healthy, safe boundaries for our good.”This begs the question for me whether or not this individual views the experience of same-sex attraction as sin. Because really, all we knew about these young people (and I re-emphasized this point at the screening) is that they identify as followers of Jesus and as those who experience same-sex attraction and are comfortable using the term gay to describe that. Another attender stood up to speak to the audience at the end of the evening to say, in a similar manner, that he was saddened and wanted these young people to be presented with hope. He shared that same-sex attraction had been part of his own journey, that he has been married for 21 years and he and his wife have four teenagers. So this hope of which he spoke – was the hope that the young people in the film could get married and have four children? Is that the hope? Given that these young people in the film had nearly unanimously spoken of attempting orientation change with no concrete result, is the insinuation then that they simply didn’t try hard enough? Find the right program? Have enough faith? Pray enough? I pray that this is not the message that was being communicated. This same individual, in an earlier event had stated that he had never denied that he continued to experience same-sex attraction. However, in his comments at the film night – that didn’t seem to be communicated. Rather, the message that seemed to be communicated was that hope equals heterosexual marriage and children. One of the descriptions that came up in the discussion was my raising the term mixed-orientation marriage. This is not a term that I coined but I have found it a helpful way to honestly talk about the marriage of opposite gender spouses where one or both experience some level of same-sex attraction. (As an aside, I had a good chuckle when an old friend emailed me to say that he and his wife were most definitely not in a mixed orientation marriage – because they were both most definitely attracted to men.) The reason I think this can be an important term is because of the tremendous need for honesty about the enduring reality of experiencing same-sex attraction which is the reality for the majority who marry someone of the opposite gender. This term is not a judgment on the health or lack thereof of such marriages – it is simply a way to describe with honesty that the reality of same-sex attraction lingers on and needs to be stewarded in the same manner that any sexual attraction to anyone other than your spouse needs to be stewarded. I found it interesting that one individual said that he had been labelled as being in a mixed orientation marriage. I’m not sure if this happened in a private conversation. But he said that he was offended by this. It reminded me of a conversation I had in Cape Town with one of the leaders who was presenting in the sexuality conversations at Lausanne who said that he would be offended if anyone called him gay – even though he readily acknowledged that same-sex attraction was not eradicated from his life. Now let me be clear, I will support anyone’s autonomy in deciding how they want to describe their reality, relationship, experience. I support people owning the language they feel comfortable with. What I find curious, however, is the leap to assuming that a descriptive term is a label. Again, I’m faced with a question: what is the difference between a description and a label? When does a description become a label? Such questions around description, labels and identity become very important if we hope to prevent people from talking past one another in the conversations around faith and sexuality. And clarifying our understanding about language will require that we are willing to lay aside our assumptions of one another and actually truly listen. It will require humility. It will require graciousness and generosity. And I’m pretty sure that these attributes are consistent with the person of Jesus. I suppose one might ask, “Why bother?” Why bother to try to work through the assumptions? Well for those of us who describe or label or identify ourselves as followers of Jesus, I think we need to choose to live in the postures he modeled for us. Jesus did not take offense at the things said about him. When Jesus was “offended” or perhaps better said as riled up in his spirit, it was in the face of injustice and death. Jesus adopted a position of powerlessness and humility. In the face of enmity and polarization, Jesus charted a completely different way – a subversive way that said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” The verse right after this section says, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.” Hmmmmm. Who is blessed: the one who thinks they are being labelled and is offended? The one who is accused of cheapening grace? The one who others say has no hope? Perhaps God in his great mercy and love will bless all of us, in spite of us. Though there were challenging aspects to the events in Vancouver, I am as committed as I have ever been to speak honestly and as courageously as I can about the need for those who name the name of Jesus to adopt a posture and tone that is consistent with the Incarnate One. We need to be honest about our realities. We need to lay down our assumptions. We need to listen beyond our own experiences for the ways God may be working in the life of one who differs from you. We need to work for peace – not perpetuate polarity. Let me conclude with a Jean Vanier quote I shared the night of the film:
To be a peacemaker means not to judge or condemn or speak badly of people, not to rejoice in any form of ill that may strike them. Peacemaking is holding people gently in prayer, wishing them to be well and free….. It is welcoming those with whom we may have difficulty or whom we may not especially like, those who are culturally, psychologically, or intellectually different from us. It is to approach people not from a pedestal, a position of power and certitude, in order to solve problems, but from a place of listening, understanding, humility and love……
-WG
