This is my response:
"You describe a common but difficult relational impasse with a gay loved one. There may be a number of inadvertent things you have communicated (through body language, tone of voice as well as words) over time that have built up the anger in your loved one. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion – it is often a protection for the pain that one feels. When you feel different in a way that you feel others perceive as wrong, immoral, broken, a problem etc. you develop a very strong sense of self-protection – and this can commonly manifest as anger. They may be angry about things that you are unaware of. Or their anger may be amplified by other matters that have nothing to do with you. So, if you can remember that their anger is probably covering a lot of pain – that may be helpful.
One way to begin to break down the patterns of hostility and
distance, would begin with this kind of introduction:
“I feel really sad about where our relationship is. I would really like to repair our
relationship. I’m sure that I don’t even
understand all the kinds of things that I have said or done in the past that have
contributed to you feeling frustrated about our relationship. I am sorry for the ways that you have felt hurt in how I’ve
responded to you coming out. I want to
acknowledge that I don’t really know what it is to walk in your shoes – but I
would like to try to learn and understand more.
Would you tell me about what this journey has been like for you?”
Note: you also want
to admit to them that this is an area you’ve been trying to learn about – but that
you will need their help to understand language usage. And you may need to ask them to point out to you when something you say feels offensive or alienating. Affirm that you don't want to say things that are hurtful - but you may need their help in understanding what is hurtful to them.
An introduction like this demonstrates humility, care, a
willingness to learn and a desire to understand more. There is a lot of rapport to build before
there is enough trust to try to negotiate terms of the relationship. This rapport and trust is built as you learn
to empathize with the experience and the pain of your loved one – without expecting
that they will be able to empathize or extend grace to you. This is going the second mile for your loved
one.
What you want to get to in your
conversations together is the place where your loved one can reveal the pain
that is underneath the anger …. That may require that you listen patiently to a
lot of what may feel like political or pro-gay rhetoric before enough trust is built for them to actually share
their feelings and emotions with you.
You don’t need to express agreement with the rhetoric – but you don’t
need to verbalize your disagreement either.
What you can simply do is listen patiently and humbly – and where it
feels appropriate you can ask the question, “How did you feel about that?” With this kind of question you offer the
opportunity to connect to emotions. If
they don’t go there … then you just go back to patient listening – and looking
for the opportunity to again ask, “How did you feel about that?” Eventually, you will have built enough trust
by listening that they may begin to tell you about about the emotions behind
what they have experienced.
Once you begin to be able to talk about some of their
emotions – you can begin to demonstrate empathy for some of the pain, rejection, disappointment, loneliness etc. that they may have experienced. At this point, it would be helpful to not
expect a mutual experience of sharing. Don’t
expect to be able to share your feelings and for them to be empathetic. You may get there eventually – but it would
probably be helpful to not expect that in the beginning of rebuilding the
relationship. The more you can serve, extend grace, and simply seek to be present with them, the more trust can be built. If they ask how you have felt about things, by all means, be honest and share your emotions. But just don't expect that.
As feelings begin to emerge – and you have opportunity to
extend empathy, a focus will be on what you CAN affirm about your loved
one. You can affirm that they are loved
by God, created in God’s image and have inherent worth and dignity. And you can express regret and sadness for
the ways that they have felt that their worth or dignity was compromised by
you, people in the family, or people in the church. You CAN affirm that you value your
relationship with them. You CAN affirm
that you want them to experience love, joy, peace, and hope in their life. You CAN affirm them in the accomplishments in
their life – school, work, ways they care for others etc.
As you feel the relationship is growing in trust, honesty
and sharing (which may take months of intentional conversations and patience on
your part) – then you can begin to broach the idea of how to negotiate your
relationship regarding expectations.
They may have expressed expectations that you will be fully affirming
and an advocate for LGBT people and issues such as gay marriage – things that
you may feel uncomfortable or unable to do.
What you want to eventually communicate is that you hope that you will
be able to have a mutually respectful relationship – that doesn’t demand that
you both think exactly the same things or agree on everything – but that you
trust and respect one another to give each other room to make your own
decisions and clarify your own beliefs and values. For this to work – you have to extend that
same space and respect to your loved one in their beliefs and values. If you have tried to influence them in this
area in the past by being conditional in your love and care for them – you may want to apologize and tell them that you want to honour
their autonomy even if you don’t share some of the same beliefs and values that
they hold. You may need to acknowledge
that Scripture is something that is viewed differently or prioritized
differently by the two of you. And you
may need to have some honest and caring conversations about how to navigate the
boundaries that you will both need to be able to feel safe and respected in the
relationship.
A healthy mature relationship will never happen in a context
where there is coercion or manipulation.
You may want to do some reflection on whether or not you are able to
communicate in a kind, assertive manner – or if you tend to resort to passive
aggression or overt aggression. And the
two of you may need to commit to one another to strive for assertive
communication marked by kindness, patience, humility and respect for the sake of
the kind of relationship that would bless both of you.
And you may be surprised by the capacity for love and grace that your loved one extends to you."
-WG
Hi Wendy,
ReplyDeleteCaution: long-winded response!
I think this is a good start. As a ex-Christian gay man I can only say that I've had more experience with Christians interested in pushing me away and being "right" than with those who valued me enough to want to repair a relationship... and I wish those who pushed me away would have had access to posts like yours.
Also, this is still somewhat of a live issue for me with one or two of my relatives and mostly with my disabled sister. I think I might print out your post and send it to some of my family members she is still listening to... they might be able to convey some of it in simpler language.
All that being said, I'd like to add, from my experience, something about the kinds of statements and attitudes that I've found to be really not very helpful.:
1) Please don't approach me with the attitude that you know my mind, my journey, better than I do.
2) Please don't interpret my experience for me. You weren't there. I was.
3) Please don't choose my path for me. It's not for you to say. Or to judge.
4) Please don't try to win a sense of solidarity by claiming that we're all sinners (this is just another way for you to tell me that you don't accept me for who I am). I have my faults - and they are NOT what YOU think they are.
Regarding support of gay marriage - and this one is an especially sore spot between me and my sibling: if I can't trust you with my joy, then how can I trust you with any other part of my life? If you can't support me in my joy and in the love that sustains me- major, significant, sacred components of my adult life- then how can I believe you care about me as a person? How can I trust you with the small details of my life when the most important features are denigrated?
Long-winded response, part 2...
ReplyDeleteRegarding LGBT advocacy - my husband is fond of saying "if you aren't part of the solution, then you're part of the problem." Given the track record of some of my acquaintances, the only apology I could possibly accept from them would be one that included ongoing, actual restitution for the harms they've caused me. Thing is, it can't help but be political, when by law I am still not able to define, defend and provide for MY sacred family, the same as everyone else. The indignities and harms that I am subject to are ones my heterosexual peers have the luxury of not ever having to think about. Refusing to advocate for me, and for the laws that protect MY family in times of crisis same as yours, is political AND it is personal.
And finally, it is not as simple as merely pointing out when hurtful words are spoken. More commonly, especially in my family, the deepest hurts come from the words that are NOT spoken. I know I've mentioned this to you before, Wendy, but I think it bears repeating: I never knew how much I missed the validation and support that all my heterosexual peers took for granted until we were legally married. I had never had anyone ever express to me their happiness for us, their support for us, their promise to support our commitment until then. I remember feeling totally overwhelmed by the kindness - and then feeling dismayed by the fact that such (taken for granted) kindness should be a novel experience for us.
Unlike Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" - sometimes it's more "you don't know what you missed and needed until you finally get it." Sometimes you don't realize just how hateful/harmful the absence of support is until you receive support. Given the outright animus most of us have lived through I don't think it should be so surprising that so many of us, after coming out and declaring that we will be who we will be support or no, are no longer tolerant of mere "tolerance."
Mere "tolerance" is not what feeds our souls. A Christian who wants to repair (or establish) a relationship with me very much needs to understand this.
To put it in the simpler words that my sister won't let me say to her: "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all" might be a good start - but at some point, kind words need to be said. It is another form of cruelty to withhold kindness.
And that, sadly, is the crime most of the Christians in my life have committed against me.
Wendy, I'm a bit perplexed by this Post; and, I'm sure it's my misunderstanding of it.
ReplyDeleteFirst, in my opinion only, this instruction to the str8 family member sounds a bit condescending to the gay family member. It sounds, to me, very utilitarian in its approach. Much like, if I perform these little 'tricks' on you, I'll con you into believing I really care about you ... and, then, I'll let you know what I really think.
Again all this is just my take-away from the Post. And, yes, I know, Wendy, as the Blog owner, you're often in the position of "damned if you do, damned if you don't".
Why isn't there any imposition on the str8 family member to interrogate their own need for judgmentalism? Why aren't there requisites put on the str8 person from the get-go ... put the ball in their court, and keep it there?
Why the need to tell them (and, it sure sounds very condescending to me) well this is what the gay person is feeling ... and, they've been hurt ... and, now you can make them your 'little project', if you just follow these steps. Look what a Christian you'll be, and won't you be soooo virtuous.
Sorry, Wendy, that I may have taken this Post wrongly; but, I'm very sensitive to this therapeutic 'reflective listening' tool ... in place of just being a friend.
Wendy, I have a question from the opposite end. I have a brother who refuses to speak to me until I leave my "sinful lifestyle." (Not sure what that means since I'm single and live pretty much as I always have.)
ReplyDeleteGrowing up and into adulthood we had a good relationship. I was the best man at his wedding before I came out. But afterward, not so much. Amost a year after I came out to him, he and his wife had their first child and my first nephew. I planned the thousand mile trip to visit and deliver gifts. But when I called to make the arrangements, he told me not to come and to never call him again.
I've sent him messages and birthday wishes several times since, saying that I would like to talk about our relationship and how we can get along even if we disagree. But he thinks that even having a relationship would be condoning sin. (I'm pretty well-versed in the Bible, so I get the irony. Unfortunately, he isn't as well versed. He just knows what his pastor tells him, but his pastor doesn't know me.)
I feel horrible about the whole thing, and I wish there were something I could do. I think about it constantly. Some of my friends tell me I just need to let him go. It's just that I've grown up my whole life hearing about how important family is and how they will be the ones who always stick with you. It feels like I'd be giving up on that too. Reading this over again, maybe it's already gone.
That's sad.
Wendy, I have a question from the opposite end. I have a brother who refuses to speak to me until I leave my "sinful lifestyle." (Not sure what that means since I'm single and live pretty much as I always have.)
ReplyDeleteGrowing up and into adulthood we had a good relationship. I was the best man at his wedding before I came out. But afterward, not so much. Amost a year after I came out to him, he and his wife had their first child and my first nephew. I planned the thousand mile trip to visit and deliver gifts. But when I called to make the arrangements, he told me not to come and to never call him again.
I've sent him messages and birthday wishes several times since, saying that I would like to talk about our relationship and how we can get along even if we disagree. But he thinks that even having a relationship would be condoning sin. (I'm pretty well-versed in the Bible, so I get the irony. Unfortunately, he isn't as well versed. He just knows what his pastor tells him, but his pastor doesn't know me.)
I feel horrible about the whole thing, and I wish there were something I could do. I think about it constantly. Some of my friends tell me I just need to let him go. It's just that I've grown up my whole life hearing about how important family is and how they will be the ones who always stick with you. It feels like I'd be giving up on that too. Reading this over again, maybe it's already gone.
That's sad.
Brian - as always I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and share of your experience. Clearly, you can speak about these matters from a very different perspective than I can - and straight conservative Christians absolutely need to hear what you have to say. So thank you my friend.
ReplyDeleteMarty - your situation so grieves me. I wish I has some wonderful piece of wisdom that could bring a breakthrough - but it sounds like you have been consistently extending the desire to reconnect. Anything I might suggest would ring hollow.
ReplyDeleteBut in part that is why I shared this post, because I'm hopeful that it might make it to the ears and hearts of straight conservative Christian family members - and that they might just recognize the way of Jesus in it.
One thing I would say to you, that connects with my previous post about grieving - is that it will be important for you to go through the grieving process in the loss of relationship with your brother. This doesn't mean that you're resigned to things staying the way they are - but it will be important for you so that you have some reprieve from the script that goes around in your head and the triggers that can perhaps easily reopen the wound. In your case, grieving necessarily will lead to a place of acceptance (again, not the same as resignation or giving up) where you acknowledge that "it is what it is" - and what it is is that your brother, at this time, lacks the capacity to work towards reconciliation with you.
Acceptance doesn't mean it doesn't hurt - or that you are content with things the way they are - it just allows you to find rest and peace in letting go and entrusting this relationship to God.
Perhaps, he may yet surprise you. But if not, we remember that the Lord puts the lonely in families. He does provide those who will love us and uphold us and support us.
I hope that to some small degree, readers here at BTG feel some of that support as we seek to give language to the pain of the gaps and divides that hurt so many of us.
Teresa - thanks so much for your honest comment. I was a bit afraid actually that it might sound condescending - and that is certainly not my heart in this matter.
ReplyDeleteIn part, I was responding to a specific situation in which it seemed quite clear that there was a lot of hurt on the part of the gay person. And the straight person who contacted me was really looking for some help in how to try to engage the relationship/conversation.
While I did not mean to sound patronizing to the gay family member, I do think it is appropriate to challenge a straight family member to take on the role of patient listening and extending unconditional love. Not to "help that poor gay family member who is so hurt" but because straight family members may well have erred on the other side up to this point. Does that make sense?
There can be an arrogance on the part of conservative Christians that they are "in the right" and that therefore they don't have to extend love or be patient or go the extra mile. I wanted to challenge that typical presumption and call them to a higher level of love. It wasn't meant to be a statement on the emotional maturity of the gay family member.
While I do think that when there is judgmentalism it needs to be addressed, sometimes we are quick to judge that that is the main issue. Confronting a straight conservative Christian with that is almost guaranteed to cause them to react defensively - and that will shut down their engagement in pursuing reconciliation at all.
Also - just in response to what Brian said as well, sometimes I forget, being Canadian, that civil gay marriage is an active issue. The person I was engaging on this issue today was Canadian - so the differences are related to beliefs about whether gay Christians ought to be married. On a civil level - I agree that it is more than political - it IS personal and a matter of justice and equity regardless of your theological beliefs.
Teresa - hope that helps clarify a bit - but feel free to keep pushing. I'm always learning in this context and I value the feedback.
Oh yes - one more thing Teresa. To me the things I outlined in the post are not about tricking someone into trusting you so that you can then slam them with what you believe. Rather, I think that if you actually do listen well and allow your heart to connect with the emotions that emerge and authentically extend empathy - that will change people's hearts. Being an INFP on Myers Briggs, my primary concern is relational connection. For me, this is always about authentically risking to open your heart to another. So if it felt like a gimmick - I regret that - because that isn't where I'd be coming from at all.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Wendy, for your reply; which I really knew wasn't the Wendy I've come to know in your Blog. But, you certainly understand how being misunderstood time and again, or being patronized leaves one quite gun-shy. Quite frankly, at this point, I'd rather someone be upfront, blunt and candid; and, tell me they hate me and walk away ... than, all the dancing around the maypole in an attempt to mask the very same hatred, under the veneer of 'speaking the truth in love'.
ReplyDeleteMy apologies, Wendy, for being overly sensitive to your Post.
No apologies needed what-so-ever Teresa. I know these can be very sensitive arenas - and every person's experience is slightly different and unique - which makes writing a more general post all the more likely to trigger something for someone. I'm always seeking to listen and learn - so I, again, really appreciate your honesty and sharing your experience. As sensitive as I hope to be - I know I miss some triggers at times.
ReplyDeleteI do think that there are some kind people who hold conservative views who are actually doing their best to prioritize the relationship with their loved one - but have no clue how to navigate the triggers to get to that point. (note: we ALL have triggers regardless of our sexual orientation)
I like what Brian said in the following statements:
ReplyDeleteIf you can't support me in my joy and in the love that sustains me- major, significant, sacred components of my adult life- then how can I believe you care about me as a person? How can I trust you with the small details of my life when the most important features are denigrated?
I would add that in many ways, ignoring something is a form of denigration, as well.
A lot of conservative straight Christians tend to avoid certain subjects with gay people. I've had a few such friends quickly change the subject if I mention my dating life or start talking about my boyfriend (when I have one). If they don't change the subject, they sometimes just come across as quite disinterested, and the topic just evaporates.
I know many of them do this because they don't want to "condone" what they consider to be sin. But in their effort to avoid "condoning sin," they're effectively trivializing and even refusing to acknowledge, as Brian says, an important part of my life. That hurts, and I've chosen to let those friendships fade rather than continue to endure that pain.
Hello, I am very grateful that I was sent your blog posting today (from a member of the Marin Foundation in Chicago). I am an overwhelmed and honestly brokenhearted mother of a 26 yr old daughter who prior to 3 yrs ago, was living what she actually agrees was a happy straight life. She now calls herself a femme lesbian, as also does her previously straight girlfriend of 3 yrs. I have been reading books and searching over these yrs for helpful advise like your blog, so thank you. After praying repeatedly for this help just this past Sunday, I recalled yesterday hearing about the "I'm Sorry" campaign the Marin group is involved with, and looked them up. I don't beleive it was an accident I thought to look them up on the day they were having a meeting called "Living in the tension". It was there last night I also learned they are in the beginning phase of forming a new local support group in Chicago. It will be for parents who accept their children's feelings and their right to have them, but are hurting and need help to build or keep the bridge open between our hearts, our faith and the real fear for our children over what God's Word says about homosexuality. I am a parent who has always held conservative views and do feel our family is doing our best to prioritize the relationship with our daughter - but yes, both sides have made mistakes from the pain we feel "when trying to navigate the triggers to get to that point." We originally would have been considered acting "Politically Correct" over their relationship, but because of several negative issues/situations that occurred, we came to an agreed upon boundary point a yr ago to keep their relationship separate from ours. However our daughter has recently been pushing hard for full acceptance or nothing. We are at a silent stand still now and all are suffering.
ReplyDeleteHi Judi - I'm glad you've been able to connect with folks in Chicago. I know the parents who connect here in Toronto in a couple of groups express a lot of gratitude for the opportunity to share and pray together.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you read through the other comments on this post - but you might it challenging and hopefully also helpful to consider what Brian has said in his comment. He speaks about how it feels when people cannot affirm his love for his partner, his sense of family, and this significant aspect of his life and identity. Connecting with the emotions of that is really important for straight family members.
One of the things I try to emphasize on this blog is the richness of a text like Romans 14 that illumines how we are to treat those with whom we disagree. Given the reality that people who love Jesus and care deeply about the Scriptures - both gay and straight and everything in-between - come to differing conclusions about these matters, I do believe that it is apt to consider how Paul exhorts us to relate to one another over a disputable matter. This can give us the freedom to find the things that we can affirm - our loved one's love and care for their partner, the way they make decisions together, the way they work through conflict together, the way they are committed to help others, the way their take their faith seriously together, the way they create a home together etc. These are really concrete things that I would hope can be genuinely extended as affirmations with no strings attached or no hidden messages. It is also very helpful to honour a loved one's autonomy and to recognize that we cannot be responsible for the decisions of our adult children.
I pray that God's wisdom and discernment will be lavishly given to you and your family members as you continue to invest in one another's lives. As hard as it is, if we can put our own hurt feelings aside to connect with the heart of our loved one (sometimes underneath their anger) then our pain from the lack of connection will, in the process, be touched as well. Grace and peace to you.
Judi's remark about "agreeing to keep their relationship separate from ours" certainly rings a bell with me.
ReplyDeleteThis is the kind of agreement my father tried to negotiate with me. Only I declined to negotiate.
Apparently I should have been happy that he made the effort to keep up contact with me despite being "disgusted" by my "lifestyle choices". But happy I was not. His disgust killed my love for him stone dead so negotiation was pointless. You can't negotiate with someone who's just not interested in what you have to offer.
I image it's similar to what happens during a divorce: if your partner causes you too much pain you just end up falling out of love with them and can't figure out what you ever saw in them. It was kind of like that with my father: I'd look at him and feel nothing except irritation at the homophobia and a vague embarrassment at his attempts to get close to me.
I think what happened is that I grieved for my father (or rather my idea of what a father should have been) and just moved on. The felt very much like a death, so much so that when my father really did die several years later I was totally unmoved and didn't shed a tear or even feel a regret. I'd already done my grieving and had nothing left to give.
There's much talk of reconciliation and the rekindling of troubled relationships here, but it seems important to me to point out that in many situations this will never happen. Once you've dealt with rejection, processed the feelings that go with it and moved on, you can never go back. Your homophobic parent might still be very much alive, but once you've grieved for them then they're just another stranger to you.
Did I say "stranger"? Maybe that's not the right word. "Distant relation" would probably be more appropriate. You know, like your old battleaxe of a great aunt who you know you're supposed to love, but you just can't because she's so downright mean and unpleasant. Or weird and eccentric. Or clinging and embarrassing. Or whatever negative characteristic it is that you'd normally overlook in your own father because you love him. Take away that love and what are you left with?
Not a great deal really...
Some people will always keep you at arms length for fear of going to hell themselves.
ReplyDeleteIt's up to you to decide what you are going to do; but you should be realistic in your expectations.
That's my humble opinion.
Every day we need to ask ourselves "what is the best way to love this person?". The answer can't be to tell the other what they want to hear to avoid conflict or to rescue them from pain they need to feel (enabling). In a world that is fallen there will be trouble. My greatest fear is that we compromise truth to make others feel better. Feelings are important but a relationship with God far outweighs whatever difficulty we experience in this very brief life. If SSA means a particular dream or fulfillment of life will be denied me then so be it. I refuse to compromise, deprioritize scripture or numb myself to truth to fulfill personal desires.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I think what I have come to know in the ten plus years I have been engaged in these conversations is that I will always be called to a humble listening posture - no matter how sure I feel about something. I will never have the complete or perfect interpretation of Scripture. I am currently working on my doctorate and probably have more biblical training and education than many folks - and the more education I have, the more I am humbled by the vastness of God's story to us. I don't think anyone who experiences a vibrant relationship with Christ wants, in any way, to compromise, deprioritize scripture, or be numbed to truth in order to fulfill personal desires. And I think we need to be careful to not insinuate that anyone who disagrees with us has necessarily done those things. Rather, I continue to experience the breadth and depth and scope of the Body of Christ in our differences - and rather than being threatened by that, or desiring to control such diversity by calling people to a more defined uniformity - I have realized that accepting and even embracing such diversity has enlarged my faith, enlarged my reverence and awe of God, and deepened my apprehension of God's character, his love, grace and great mercy to human beings who so often fail to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with their God. There are differences within the Body of Christ in how we apprehend truth, in how we interpret the Word, and in how we navigate the mysteries of Christian discipleship and sanctification .... and in the midst of these differences there is amazing grace and outrageous mercy. I believe that when I see Christ face-to-face, I will only then realize the fullness of just how much mercy he extended to every last one of us - and I will fall to my knees in gratitude. In this life, I will do my best to listen carefully to the ways people are seeking God in their lives - and even if it differs from how I think they should be seeking him - I will seek to encourage, rather than discourage, them in drawing near to him - in full reliance on the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit.
ReplyDelete"I don't think anyone who experiences a vibrant relationship with Christ wants, in any way, to compromise, deprioritize scripture, or be numbed to truth in order to fulfill personal desires. And I think we need to be careful to not insinuate that anyone who disagrees with us has necessarily done those things."
ReplyDeleteI agree. Great care needs to be taken. And disagreement does not NECESSARILY mean that a person has compromised, deprioritized or numbed themselves in order to fulfill personal desires (ex. a physically and emotionally intimate relationship with someone they love in a culture of celebrated acceptance). But disagreement may mean exactly that. The cults are good examples. Will I talk to and befriend a Jehovah's Witness in the way that Jesus would? I'll try really hard through the Spirit and no doubt fall short. But I won't worship with a JW because its impossible - we're worshipping a different God. The Watchtower gave them something they needed and personally desired - and in the process were ensnared. No I'm not saying that acting on SSA equates to a cult. What I'm saying is that in a fallen world humans are often deluded by the desires of the flesh. I know I often am. I believe that's what homosexual behavior represents. I don't believe that having homosexual feelings is a sin - but I believe acting on them is. I have lots of very personal desires that I give myself over to at times. But I run to Jesus and receive forgiveness. It would be very difficult to worship with someone who embraces homosexual relationships and evangelizes what I believe is destructive. I understand that some of you find that hurtful, arrogant and condescending. I'm genuinely sorry if that's the case.
Sigh. Anonymous - you have just called me deluded, destructive and a promoter of destruction. You have compared the love of my life to the worst thing you can think of - a cult - and for all of that you have offered what to my ears is an apology (you claim to be genuine) that is meaningless.
ReplyDeleteIf you were truly sorry about the hurtful, arrogant, condescending nature of your attitude toward me AND THE REAL HARM IT CAUSES - you would, as a part of the apology, stop causing the harm.
Step into my shoes for a moment. It's unpleasant, but not unbearable, if ONE person in your life takes such exception to what you believe (as you do in the case of your hypothetical Jehovah's Witness acquaintance) that they inform you of their certainty of your destination in hell and that they really can't associate with you in any meaningful way.
When I came out, Anonymous, this was the message I received from everyone I knew. Every. One. I. Knew.
It made me want to die.
Essentially,I felt I was being told that it was not a sin to own a pair of lungs - just a capital offense to use them. The message from my Entire. Social. Network. Including my own parents.
I repeat: it made me want to die.
What I ended up doing, Anonymous, was finding a more supportive network. It isn't in a church, for the most part.
Brian said:
ReplyDeleteand for all of that you have offered what to my ears is an apology (you claim to be genuine) that is meaningless.
I would go a step further and say it's not even a real apology, what many would call a fauxpology or notpology.
Anonymous apologized for how Brian feels. True apologies are apologies for what the person apologizing has done. In fact, I find the idea of apologizing for how someone else feels to be deeply troubling, as there's the underlying implication that there's something wrong with the way that person feels.